Borg Vs. Windows
"Star Trek Lost Episodes" transcript.
Picard - "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?"
Geordi - "Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology."
Geordi presses a Êkey, and a logo appears on the computer screen.
Riker looks puzzled. "What the hell is 'Microsoft'?"
Data turns to answer. "Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called 'Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate."
Picard - "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"
Data - "Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions."
Picard - "Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable geometric shape' idea."
.. . . 15 Minutes Later . . .
Data -Ê"Captain, We have successfully installed the 'Windows' in the command unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85% of all resources. ÊWe however have not received any confirmation of the expected 'upgrade'."
Geordi - "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an 'upgrade' to compensate for their increase."
Picard -Ê"Data, scan the history banks again and determine if their is something we have missed."
Data -Ê"Sir, I believe their is a reason for the failure in the 'upgrade'. ÊApparently, the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards.
Riker -Ê"Captain we have no choice. ÊRequesting permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F . . ."
Geordi, excited Ê"Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0% !"
Picard -Ê"Data, what do your scanners show?"
Data -Ê"Apparently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module named 'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU capacity."
Picard -Ê"Lets wait and see how long this 'solitaire' can reduce their functionality."
.. . . ÊTwo Hours Pass Ê. . .
Riker -Ê"Geordi what's the status on the Borg?"
Geordi -Ê"As expected, the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources I have set up, our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more 'Windows' modules from something called the 'Microsoft fun-pack'.
Picard - "How much time will that buy us ?"
Data -Ê"Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest time span of 6 more hours."
Geordi -Ê"Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."
Picard -Ê"Identify."
Data -Ê"It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo"
Over the speakers Ê"THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. ÊWE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. ÊSURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. ÊYOU HAVE 10 SECONDS"
Data -Ê"The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid shaped objects."
Picard -Ê"Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft"
Riker -Ê"Good God captain! ÊThose are humans floating straight toward the Borg ship with no life support suits ! ÊHow can they survive the tortures of deep space ?!"
Data -Ê"I don't believe that those are humans sir, if you will look closer, I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by twenty-first century man as doe skin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits"
Riker and Picard together horrified Ê"Lawyers !!"
Geordi -Ê"It can't be. ÊAll the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."
Data -Ê"True, but apparently some must have survived."
Riker -Ê"They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of papers."
Data -Ê"I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as 'red tape'. ÊI understand that it often proves fatal."
Riker -Ê"They're tearing the Borg to pieces !"
Picard -Ê"Turn off the monitors. ÊI can't stand to watch, not even the Borg deserve that!"
from "Munchia"
Our new office computer system was down as much as it was working. My co-worker Cathy decided to stay late one evening to catch up on the work that had accumulated. On her way home, a police officer stopped her for speeding. "What a perfect end to an awful day!" she exclaimed. "Our computer is up, then down -- up, then down. I stay late to catch up, and now this!"
The officer was unaffected by Cathy's griping, and he went to his car to prepare a citation. After what seemed an eternity, he returned with her license and registration. As he handed them to her, he smiled and said, "Our computer is down."
from topgreetings.com
In a recent News Article, Al Gore stated his opinion that television "has made nation complacent."
Obviously, he hasn't been to a bar when TV coverage of sports gets interupted.
An artist has put his brain up for sale, as well as his original thoughts - catch, he has to die first. - News Item
Even if he could sell his thoughts, copyrights last for the life of the owner, plus 70 years.
In the news, a Thai's mobile phone exploded when using it - News Item
Two questions: who did this, and how much do you want for your secret?
THE FUTURE.....
Operator : "Thank you for calling Pizza House . May IÊhave your..."
Customer: "Haloo, can I order.."
Operator : "Can I have your multi purpose card numberÊfirst, Sir?"
Customer: "It's eh..., holdÊon......6102049998-45-54610."
Operator : "OK... you're... Mr Singh and you'reÊcalling from 17 Jalan Kayu. Your home number is 4094Ê2366, your office 7645 2302 and your mobile is 014 266Ê2566. Which number are you calling from now Sir?
Customer: "Home! How did you get all my phoneÊnumbers?"
Operator : "We are connected to the system Sir."
Customer: "May I order your Seafood Pizza..."
Operator : "That's not a good idea Sir."
Customer: "How come?"
Operator : "According to your medical records, youÊhave high blood pressure and even higher cholesterolÊlevel Sir."
Customer: "What?... What do you recommend then?"
Operator : "Try our Low Fat Hokier Meat Pizza.You'llÊlike it."
Customer: "How do you know for sure?"
Operator : "You borrowed a book entitled "PopularÊHokier Dishes" from the National Library last weekÊSir."
Customer: "OK I give up... Give me three family sizedÊones then, how much will that cost?
Operator : "That should be enough for your family ofÊ10, Sir. The total is $49.99."
Customer: "Can I pay by credit card?"
Operator : "I'm afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir.ÊÊYour credit card is over the limit and you're owingÊyour bank $3720.55 since October last year."
Operator : "That's not including the late paymentÊcharges on your housing loan Sir."
Customer: "I guess I have to run to the neighborhoodÊATM and withdraw some cash before your guy arrives."
Operator : "You can't Sir. Based on the records,you'veÊreached your daily limit on machine withdrawal today."
Customer: "Never mind just send the pizzas, I'll haveÊthe cash ready. How long is it gonna take anyway?"
Operator : "About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can'tÊwait you can always come and collect it on yourÊmotorcycle..."
Customer: " What !"
Operator : "According to the details in system, youÊown a Scooter,... registration number E1123..."
Customer: " *'!^ *%^**%^I7*"
Operator : "Better watch your language Sir. RememberÊon 15th July 1987 You were convicted of using abusiveÊlanguage on a policeman..."
Customer: [Speechless]
Operator : "Is there anything else Sir?"
Customer: "Nothing... by the way... aren't you givingÊme that 3 free bottles of cola as advertised?"
Operator : "We normally would Sir, but based on yourÊrecords you're also diabetic....... "
from IBLaffing
"Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded."
Tim Allen -- topgreetings.com