people who should not ask for jobs
from the Daily Illuminator
"We have a wild new female Terminator. She's not a human being but made out of artificial parts - pretty much like Cher! Don't tell her I said that!"
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER - Clean Laffs
In the news, "Businessman Peter Cordani has spent four years researching a way to drop absorbent particles into the eye of a storm to disrupt its spin and suck out the moisture." - News Item
Now here's an invention that really ... well, you know.
In science news, "Old people can still enjoy a good laugh - but only if the joke is obvious, a study suggests" - News Item.
"The findings apply to people with a sense of humour in the first place"
In the news, a game-playing DNA computer has been developed.
A case of "gaming quite literally in the genes"
Lately, there's been a craze involving emailing a bunch of people to meet at a place, and once there sending them goofy instructions for some stunt - "flash mobs"
And no, you don't need Flash to be part of the zaniness.
.....
How savy computer users delt with the blackout.
" We'll just assume that this is not an editorial comment from the Almighty"
from the Daily Illuminator
A modern woman is explaining to her little girl about pictures in the family photo album:
"This is the geneticist with your surrogate mother and here's your sperm donor and your father's clone. This is me holding you when you were just a frozen embryo. The lady with the very troubled look on her face is your aunt, a genealogist."
from Carl H. Howard
"Battlestar Galactica" star says the remake stinks
"Their weird glowing green color makes them look like they've been swimming in a nuclear plant's spent fuel pond. But the zebra fish on sale in Taipei shops have an even stranger background: They're the latest in genetically modified fish, and their bodies contain DNA from jellyfish, which makes them shimmer in the dark." - News Item
Not unsurprisingly, they're getting the nickname "Frankenfish."
from Kathy
"Was it caused by Clinton suporters?"
One of the responses of Baghdad residents to America's Great Blackout of August 2003
WHY DOGS CAN'T USE COMPUTERS
10. He's distracted by cats chasing his mouse.
9. SIT and STAY were hard enough; CUT and PASTE are out of the question.
8. Saliva-coated floppy disks refuse to work.
7. Three words: carpal paw syndrome.
6. Involuntary tail wagging is a dead give-away that he's browsing www.purina.com instead of working.
5. The fire hydrant icon is simply too frustrating.
4. He can't help attacking the screen when he hears "You've Got Mail."
3. It's too messy to "mark" every Web site he visits.
2. The FETCH command isn't available on all platforms.
1. He can't stick his head out of Windows XP.
from Kathy
In the news, "A government report that urges the U.S. Postal Service to create "smart stamps" to track the identity of people who send mail is eliciting concern from privacy advocates." - News Item
Whatever happened to checking the return adress?
In the news, "A virus-like infection that was the subject of urgent U.S. government and industry warnings spread rapidly Monday across the Internet, causing computers to mysteriously restart and coordinating an electronic attack against Microsoft Corp." - News Item.
Is it an infection, or are they starting a rebellion?
In the news, some players are making real money by selling items of the Everquest online multi-player game over ebay sites and other ways - News Item
Gues one could call it making money from virtually (reality) nothing.
"Microsoft's Upgrades"
After first seeing Microsoft's slogan for its upcoming Windows XP operating system, "it just works," I couldn't help wondering: what were the slogans for all the previous releases? After thinking about it for a while, they became obvious.
Windows 1.0: Good joke, eh?
Windows 2.0: Still funny, isn't it?
Windows 286: Yeah, we're still kidding.
Windows 386: Going boldly where Desqview has been for years.
Windows 3.0: It's finally worth buying!
Windows 3.1: It's finally worth using!
Windows 95: Going boldly where the Mac has been for years.
Windows 98: More usable! Less stable!
Windows 98SE: More stable! Less usable!
Windows ME: Less usable AND less stable!
NT 1.0: Give me more hardware! NOW!!!
NT 2.0: Darn it, I said MORE HARDWARE!!! NOW!!!!
NT 3.0: Which part of "more hardware" do you not understand?
NT 3.5: With enough hardware, I'd work. Honest.
NT 4.0: Does less than Win98 with twice the hardware at one-half the speed.
Windows 2K: Works almost as well as Windows 98! Honest!
Windows XP: It just works.
from Kathy
Although not exactly a high-tech subject - this certainly stands out - "German cars 'not reliable'."
Even Ford, jokingly called "Found On Road Dead," performed better.
First their population is falling and graying, now this. How the mighty have fallen.
Police in Britian had a tradition of not carrying firearms that ended not that long ago. Still, it was a surprise to hear that only the other day British fire stungun for first time.
A "bloody good shot" that wasn't so bloody.
The Grand List Of Console Role Playing Game Cliches
from "Pavta"
"The European Commission has warned the government of Greece about a law it passed last year that appeared to prohibit all computer games, a ban that stirred up anger after it resulted in several arrests and the closure of Internet cafes." - News Item
" 'The way the Greek law was drafted was an absolute mess. It was drafted so widely that using a PlayStation at home would amount to a breach of the law--which is ridiculous.' "
"That's Greek to me" in more ways than one.
404: page not found
We apologize, but in your current state of mind, it is impossible to view the page you are trying to reach. This could be caused by it's nonexistence, though there are a few well known cures.
Lick the mouse. This bizarre method usually clears 404s straight away. It is advisable not to kiss anyone after, as many mice do fester diseases, especially if you have let them loose before.
Try standing up and spinning your self 15 times on the spot. Return to your chair and continue your experience with this website.
Threaten your computer with a screwdriver (make sure it is star headed, they don't fall for tricks these days).
Take 4 vodka shots. This seems to cure most things these days.
Are you using Windows? Well, that's your first mistake, the next one is AOL.
If all the above do not work, we strongly suggest hiring an exorcist to look at your computer and check for spirit violations.
In the extreme chance none of the above work, try bribing the webmaster by e-mailing him, maybe then he will fix it.
from IBLaffing
"A national "do not spam" registry may sound like a good idea, but a Web site that claims it will add you to such a list for a mere $9.95 a year is itself being promoted by spam." - News item
"We had to spam the Internet in order to save it."
In the news, a planet has been found that is estimated to be 12.5 BILLION years old! "Planet Methusula"
Scientists are naturally curious about what a planet three times the age of Earth has gone through, and no doubt it could tell us if it could ...
"Ice Age? You call that sprinkle of snow a few millenia ago an actual ice age?! Why in my day ... "
Later this year, a Chicago-area McDonaldÕs restaurant will fry up hamburgers with an automated grill that dispenses patties directly onto the griddle from a separate freezer compartment, reducing labor and promising fresher sandwiches - News item.
Question is, where are teenagers going to work now?
"Baned from Argo" - A song about why the U.S.S. Enterprise seldom got shore leave.
For some, it sounds like the shoreleaves of a certain other starship.
from "Whitelioness"