A hopeful suitor dropped into a computer-dating center and registered his qualifications. He wanted someone who enjoyed swimming and water sports, liked company, favoured formal attire, and was petite.
The computer paired him with a penguin.
from Clean Laffs
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"Proposed new Internet keyboard layout"
from Alqua Kalina
A hopeful suitor dropped into a computer-dating center and registered his qualifications. He wanted someone who enjoyed swimming and water sports, liked company, favoured formal attire, and was petite.
The computer paired him with a penguin.
from Clean Laffs
If a British energy business named "Powergen" bought an Italian division, one would think they would have better sense than to name the website "powergenitalia.com" - News Article
Trek Bloopers from "civfanatics.net"
Remember that cool "Rube Goldberg" Honda commercial?
Well, a news article says it will never be shown on American TV, at least not as a comercial.
The model of car won't be marketed here, and "Apparently, weĠre also not smart enough to get it. Co-creator Ben Walker of W?K says a Honda honcho told him that it 'doesnĠt say enough for U.S. viewers'. But even us ignorant Yanks know an amazing ad when we see one. 'Cog' took 606 takes to nail. We can't count that high, but it sure sounds like a lot."
by Devin Gordon and Emily Flynn
In the news, rabbits have been burrowing into a British nuke waste landfill. News Item
Are we going to have "Teenage Mutant Ninja Hares?"
In the news, a 16 year old Internet addict in China stole some cash from his parents to go to a 'net cafe, and when refusing the father's order to return, the parent and an uncle went to the cafe, bound him with rope, and draged him back home.
He won't be back for a while, he's a little "tied up" with things ...
... like "family ties."
According to a recent article, Nicotine "may bring Alzheimer's cure" - News Item
Actually, it's a chemical nicotine is broken down into, so don't expect anti-smoking arguments to go "up in smoke"
Found this on a buliten board. What do you get when you attatch a roller-coaster harness to an industrial robot arm? - the Robocoaster
"The Robocoaster is controlled by a PC running standard Microsoft Windows software and offers riders thrills and chills. (TechTV) "
That last one had some on the board worried - "I don't like entusting my work product to Windows, let alone my very life." - "RustyB"
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"Sen. Orrin Hatch (R-Utah) suggested Tuesday that people who download copyright materials from the Internet should have their computers automatically destroyed."
"But Hatch himself is using unlicensed software on his official website, which presumably would qualify his computer to be smoked by the system he proposes." Orion Hatch, software pirate?
"The senator's site at http://www.senate.gov/~hatch makes extensive use of a ... copyright-protected code (that) has not been licensed for use on Hatch's website."
What goes around, comes around.
In the news, a Senator has advocated trashing illegal downloaders' computers - News item.
It should be interesting what "contributions" hackers give to his campaign website.
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Window's XPs dirty little secret (100K animation)
Revenge On Telemarketers
One thing that has always bugged me, and I'm sure it does most of you, is to sit down at the dinner table only to be interrupted by a phone call from a telemarketer. I decided, on one such occasion, to try to be as irritating as they were to me. The call was from AT&T and it went something like this:
Me: Hello
AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T...
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T...
Me: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes This is AT&T...
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: YES! This is AT&T, may I speak to Mr. Byron please?
Me: May I ask who is calling?
AT&T This is AT&T.
Me: OK, hold on.
.....
At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, they were still waiting.
Me: Hello?
AT&T: Is this Mr. Byron?
Me: May I ask who is calling please?
AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...
Me: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, is this Mr. Byron?
Me: Yes, is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: The phone company?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: I thought you said this was AT&T.
AT&T: Yes sir, we are a phone company.
Me: I already have a phone.
AT&T: We aren't selling phones today Mr. Byron.
Me: Well whatever it is, I'm really not interested but thanks for calling.
When you are not interested in something, I don't think you can express yourself any plainer than by saying "I'm really not interested", but this lady was persistent.
.....
AT&T: Mr. Byron we would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.
Now, I am sure she meant she was offering a "rate" of 10 cents a minute but she at no time used the word rate. I could clearly see that it was time to whip out the trusty old calculator and do a little ciphering.
Me: Now, that's 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day?
AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes sir that's right! 24 hours a day!
Me: 7 days a week?
AT&T: That's right.
Me: 365 days a year?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! That's amazing!
AT&T: We think so!
Me: That's quite a sum of money!
AT&T: Yes sir, it's amazing how it ads up.
Me: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560, and if you send an annual check, can I get a cash advance?
AT&T: Excuse me?
Me You know, the 10 cents a minute.
AT&T: What are you talking about?
Me: You said you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1008 per week and $52,560 per year. I'm just interested in knowing how you will be making payment.
AT&T: Oh no sir I didn't mean we'd be paying you. You pay us 10 cents a minute.
Me: Wait a minute here!!! Didn't you say you'd give me 10 cents a minute? Are you sure this is AT&T?
AT&T: Well, yes this is AT&T sir but......
Me: But nothing, how do you figure that by saying that you'll give me 10 cents a minute that I'll give you 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of subliminal telemarketing scheme? I've read about things like this in the Enquirer you know. Don't use your alien brainwashing techniques on me!
AT&T: No sir we are offering 10 cents a minute for.....
Me: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please!
AT&T: Sir I don't think that is necessary.
Me: Sure! You say that now! What happens later?
AT&T: What?
Me: I insist on speaking to a supervisor!
AT&T: Yes Mr. Byron. Please hold on.
So now AT&T has me on hold and my supper is getting cold. I begin to eat while I'm waiting for a supervisor. After a wait of a few minutes and while I have a mouth full of food:
Supervisor: Mr. Byron?
Me: Yeth?
Supervisor: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a minute program.
Me: Id thish Ath Teeth & Teeth?
Supervisor: Yes sir, it sure is.
I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter and I had to be careful not to produce a snort.
Me: No, actually I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that I could sign up for the plan.
Supervisor: OK, no problem, I'll transfer you back to the person who was helping you.
Me: Thank you.
I was on hold once again and was getting really hungry. I needed to end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone.
AT&T: Hello Mr. Byron, I understand that you are interested in signing up for our plan?
Me: Do you have that friends and family thing because you can never have enough friends and I'm an only child and I'd really like to have a little brother...
AT&T: (click)
from Kathy
Tech Support Computer Confusion
A woman called the Cannon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asker her if she was "running it under Windows." The woman then responded, "NO, my desk is next to the door. But that's a good point... The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working just fine."
from the webmaster's Mom
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from Alqua
"Just as a meteor impact is believed to have brought about the extinction of the dinosaurs 65 million years ago, scientists say a similar event might have killed many fish and other creatures of an earlier era, about 380 million years ago." - News Article.
"Sorry Charlie"
"If you build an idiot proof machine, the universe will build a better idiot."
Unknown Tech Support worker
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Bonus Joke: Friday the 13th Special
George Bush has a little trouble getting the hang of the Segway Scooter
In the interest of clarity and to prevent your censure by the American Journal of Physics, I recommend the following amendment to your table from Physics 101: My wet socks have a density somewhat greater than 1.0 g/mL, hence it is better to say that 1000 cc of (wet socks) = 1 Literhosen.
Grumpy - from Clean Laffs
In some D&D games a friend ran, he sometimes had players run across a "Wand of Knock." It would unlock doors, with the consequence of making the player a year younger. At first that would seem like a blessing. But as D&D players tend to start their characters at 16,17, or 18, "by the time it starts to become really noticeable to others, they're 11 or 12 years old physically."
"A few knocks later, the character starts to realize that he's having trouble reaching those high objects."
"A couple knocks later and bartenders won't serve them, 'Yeah, right, you're an adult and I'm a goblin!' "
"A few uses later and they're in diapers again, the party drops them off at the nearest doorstep in a basket with a note 'Please take care of our baby, we're tired of having to change his diapers while we're slaying dragons ... and he cries too much when we're sneaking through the Temple of Great-Evils-that-makes-Cyric-tremble.' and on the back 'And his babysitter insists on a share of our treasure.' "
Even with seasoned players who know about it, I could think of another way to really mess with them ...
"Just one more locked door Joe"
"Heh! One more year to live again"
"Hey, wait a minute, there's 17 more locks at the bot-"
ZAP
"Wahhhhhh...."
"Oh ..... crud."
"The Flo Control Project" - How a tech-minded family deals with their cat's habbit of dragging live mice into the house
"Googlism.com will find out what Google.com thinks of you, your friends or anything! Search for your name here or for a good laugh check out some of the popular Googlisms below."
" 'BRILLIANT way of finding out what your name means on the web by cross-referencing Google search results.' - Mirror.co.uk "
For example, we tested the USS Freedom and some of it's crew for googlisms. Click here for the bulliten board thread
"Scientists at the US National Center for Supercomputing Applications, (NCSA) have linked together 70 PlayStation 2s to find out how good they are at crunching numbers." - PlayStation turns supercomputer
"The machines were linked together as part of a project to investigate how to cut the cost of creating powerful clusters of computers. Now the scientists are refining the Sony supercomputer and seeing how it compares to other clusters around the world. The researchers estimate that the cluster of consoles could be capable of up to half a trillion operations per second, a figure that compares well with other supercomputers. ... "
And best of all, when the job is done, the team can play their favorite games on it.
"Microsoft billionaire Paul Allen announced plans to build a multi-million dollar science fiction museum. Planners believe it will be the first museum in the country with no need for a girl's bathroom."
Conan O'Brien - Clean Laffs
"I used to fix computers for a living, but I've never seen anything that will surpass this one...
A customer brought his computer into our shop, simply stating that "It didn't work." Since I was the tech that signed it in, I got to work on it.
There were 7 holes through the top of the case, each roughly .5" (12.7mm) each. 2 slugs were recovered from within the case, and were found to be .45 caliber by the police detective. I called the customer, informed him of what the problem was, and told him he would need to buy a new PC.
He came in, bought the new PC, and I got a decent commission on the sale. Don't know if the police charged him with anything though.
I'm guessing this was the guy's method of Troubleshooting..."
from "Steve "
Remember the story about the Orgeon mental ward that advertised for Klingon language interpereters? - News Item .
As it turns out, none of their paitents had been speaking it. The mental ward was simply being "overzealous" in an "attempt to ensure that our safety net systems can respond to all customers and clients."
They never said "we're sorry." Not that they needed to as there's no word for it in Klingon.
HR>It figures congress would propose the way to stop spam is to tax every e-mail.
Battlestar Galactica is coming back to TV in a remake.
Among the differences in the new show, their Starbuck is female.
Looks like the scenes of Starbuck and Apollo getting chummy over a few beers may take on a slightly new connintation.
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That Patrick Stewart stared in both X-Men and Star Trek has been fodder for a few "crossover" jokes.
from Alqua Kalina
