"A prestigious university in Tokyo has failed 26 students for using email functions on their mobile phones to cheat a final exam." - News Item.
One can just see it now, an angry Japanese father waving a phone bill, "TETSUO!! Care to explain why you were using your phone in class when you were supposed to be taking a test?! "
" ... I'll talk to you in a minute. "
from the webmaster's Dad.
.....
"The head of the UK's National Hi-tech Crime Unit has warned organised crime is escalating on the internet." - News Article
If you don't pay them 'protection,' they track down your "Everquest" character and virtual goons break his kneecaps.
"Czech prisoners are being given the chance to chat to the public from behind bars in a new Internet chatroom." - News Item
Internet access for prison inmates? That pretty much gives them the same standard of living as the most afflicted computer addicts - neither can leave their "pen."
Some website is selling "tickets to Heaven" - http://www.ticket2heaven.com
No televangelist was available for comment.
" How Santa reads your wish lists. "
The 12-Days of Technology Before Christmas
On the first day of Christmas, technology gave to me:
A database with a broken b-tree (what the hell is a b-tree anyway?)
.....
On the Second day of Christmas, technology gave to me:
Two transceiver failures, (CRC errors? Collisions? What is going on?)
And a database with a broken b-tree (Rebuild WHAT? It's a 10GB database!)
.....
On the Third day of Christmas, technology gave to me:
Three French users, (who, of course, think they know everything)
Two transceiver failures, (which are now spewing packets all over the net)
And a database with a broken b-tree (Backup? What backup?)
.....
On the Fourth day of Christmas, technology gave to me:
Four calls for support (playing the same Christmas song over and over),
Three French users (Why do they like to argue so much over trivial things?),
Two transceiver failures (How the hell do I know which ones they are?),
And a database with a broken b-tree (Pointer error? What's a pointer error?)
.....
On the Fifth day of Christmas, technology gave to me:
Five golden SCSI contacts (Of course they're better than silver!)
Four support calls (Ever notice how time stands still when on hold?
Three French users (No, we don't have footpedals on PC's. Why do you ask?)
Two transceiver failures (If I knew which ones were bad, I would know which ones to fix!)
And a database with a broken b-tree (Not till next week? Are you nuts?!?!)
.....
On the Seventh day of Christmas, technology gave to me:
Seven license failures, (Expired? When?)
Six games a-playing, (Please stop tying up the PBX to talk to each other!)
Five golden SCSI contacts , (What do you mean I need "wide" SCSI?)
Four support calls, (At least the Muzak is different this time...)
Three French Users, (Well, monsieur, there really isn't an "any" key, but...)
Two transceiver failures, (SQE? What is that? If I knew I would set it myself!)
And a database with a broken b-tree (No, I really need to talk to Lars - NOW!).
.....
On the eighth day of Christmas, technology gave to me:
Eight MODEMs dialing, (Who bought these? They're a security violation!)
Seven license failures, (How many WEEKS to get a license?)
Six games a-playing, (What do you mean one pixel per packet on updates?!?)
Five golden SCSI contacts , (Fast SCSI? It's supposed to be fast, isn't it?)
Four support calls, (I already told them that! Don't transfer me back - DAMN!)
Three French users, (No, CTL-ALT-DEL is not the proper way to end a program)
Two transceiver failures, (What do you mean "babbling transceiver"?)
And a database with a broken b-tree (Does anyone speak English in Oslo?).
.....
On the ninth day of Christmas, technology gave to me:
Nine lady executives with attitude, (She said do WHAT with the servers?)
Eight MODEMs dialing, (You've been downloading WHAT?)
Seven license failures, (We sent the P.O. two months ago!)
Six games a-playing, (HOW many people are doing this to the network?)
Five golden SCSI contacts , (What do you mean two have the same ID?)
Four support calls, (No, I am not at the console - I tried that already.)
Three French users, (No, only one floppy fits at a time? Why do you ask?)
Two transceiver failures, (Spare? What spare?)
And a database with a broken b-tree (No, I am trying to find Lars! L-A-R-S!).
.....
On the tenth day of Christmas, technology gave to me:
Ten SNMP alerts flashing, (What is that Godawful beeping?)
Nine lady executives with attitude, (No, it used to be a mens room? Why?)
Eight MODEMs dialing, (What Internet provider? We don't allow Internet here!)
Seven license failures, (SPA? Why are they calling us?)
Six games a-playing, (No, you don't need a graphics accelerator for Lotus!)
Five golden SCSI contacts, (You mean I need ANOTHER cable?)
Four support calls, (No, I never needed an account number before...)
Three French users, (When the PC sounds like a cat, it's a head crash!)
Two transceiver failures, (Power connection? What power connection?)
And a database with a broken b-tree (Restore what index pointers?).
.....
On the eleventh day of Christmas, technology gave to me:
Eleven boards a-frying, (What is that terrible smell?)
Ten SNMP alerts flashing, (What's a MIB, anyway? What's an extension?)
Nine lady executives with attitude, (Mauve? Our computer room tiles in mauve?)
Eight MODEMs dialing, (What do you mean you let your roommate dial-in?)
Seven license failures, (How many other illegal copies do we have?!?!)
Six games a-playing, (I told you - AFTER HOURS!)
Five golden SCSI contacts, (If I knew what was wrong, I wouldn't be calling!)
Four support calls, (Put me on hold again and I will slash your credit rating!)
Three French users, (Don't hang your floppies with a magnet again!)
Two transceiver failures, (How should I know if the connector is bad?)
And a database with a broken b-tree (I already did all of that!).....
On the twelfth day of Christmas, technology gave to me:
Twelve virtual pipe connections, (There's only supposed to be two!)
Eleven boards a-frying, (What a surge suppressor supposed to do, anyway?)
Ten SNMP alerts flashing, (From a distance, it does kinda look like XMas lights.)
Nine lady executives with attitude, (What do you mean aerobics before backups?)
Eight MODEMs dialing, (No, we never use them to connect during business hours.)
Seven license failures, (We're all going to jail, I just know it.)
Six games a-playing, (No, no - my turn, my turn!)
Five golden SCSI contacts, (Great, just great! Now it won't even boot!)
Four support calls, (I don't have that package! How did I end up with you!)
Three French users, (I don't care if it is sexy, no more nude screen backgrounds!)
Two transceiver failures, (Maybe we should switch to token ring...)
And a database with a broken b-tree (No, operator - Oslo, Norway. We were just talking and were cut off...)
found by "Little Dragon," from B. Hancock
The Net Is Slow
(sung to the tune of "Let it Snow")
Oh, the network outside is frightful,
But on campus, it's so delightful,
Our packets have nowhere to go,
Net is slow, net is slow, net is slow.
It doesn't show signs of stopping,
All our packets, our hosts are dropping;
Bandwidth is turned way down low,
Net is slow, net is slow, net is slow.
When we finally connect to a site,
It's time to go back to the dorm;
But if I could stay here all night,
I could submit their Web form.
The network is slowly dying,
And, I fear, we're still denying,
But as long as AOL is the way to go,
Net is slow, net is slow, net is slow.
from Carl H. Howard
A little tension-breaker for the Holiday Season...
(try singing this outloud at work)
Another "ping",
Are you listenin'?
The puter screen,
Is a glistenin'.
With icons so bright,
They light up the night,
Welcome to the e-mail wonderland!
Gone away,
Are the hall talks.
Here to stay,
Is the IN-BOX.
Flagged "urgent, please read!",
And "answer with speed!".
Welcome to the e-mail wonderland!
In the morning e-mails start to add up.
No lunch today cause messages abound.
Just click away and hope the server stays up.
You can't do your job if it goes down.
10 P.M.,
You're not tired.
The caffeine,
Has got you wired.
The day's not complete,
Till the last delete,
Welcome to the e-mail wonderland!
In the morning e-mails start to add up,
No lunch today cause messages abound.
Just click away and hope the server stays up.
You can't do your job if it goes down.
Until you,
Are retired,
The same old grind,
It is required.
You'll face unafraid,
That message parade.
Welcome to the e-mail wonderland!
from "Eve"
"... we finally found someone to advertise on our website. The bad news ..."
from fungurl.com
"Well, I'm a little disappointed in myself, but I might as well admit it...I broke down and bought the X-Box. I thought I would have the discipline to save the money or do some- thing constructive with it, but the ten-year-old inside me won out.
"I am pretty impressed with the game, however. Understand that the last video game I owned was an Atari in 1984. It looks like the technology has come a long way since Defender. As an added bonus, I was also very pleased with the DVD player adapter that I bought for the system. The quality looks just as good as any stand-alone DVD player I've seen.
The draw back is that when they advertise the X-Box for $199 that's exactly what they mean. You get the box for $199. The game controllers are an additional $30. As are the games, the adapter, the power cord and the instruction manual. I had to sign myself into indentured service to the company just to get out of there with a complete system. "
Laugh it up, Joe - Clean Laffs
Not sci-fi, but close to home...
When I was a magazine editor, a young man approached me about a staff-writer position. He had studied dramatic arts in college, had been a professional actor, and also sang and played the guitar at local restaurants. "How come," I asked, "with all that talent and experience, you want to switch to a nine-to-five writer's job?"
He started explaining that he enjoyed the arts, and writing was an art he'd always wanted to try, and so on. Suddenly he stopped his spiel, looked me in the eye and grinned. "Let's face it," he said. "I'm starving, and I'm trying desperately to get into a rut."
I hired him.
[Thanks to Reader's Digest.] from Clean Laffs
.....
"Congulations, you've just logged on. "
Judge Compares Microsoft to Tonya Harding
PC users, watch your kneecaps
TOKYO (Dec. 6) - "A team of researchers at a leading national university have set a world record by calculating the value of pi to 1.24 trillion places.
"... researchers ... calculated the value for pi with a Hitachi supercomputer over 400 hours " to get the figure - from AOL News
A slice of "pi" few of us have the time for.
"To Boldly Lego Where No One Has Legone Before"
from the "Daily Illuminator"
"Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded."
-Tim Allen from Clean Laffs
"A Norwegian-based group launched a novel baseball-style cap this week to shield users of mobile telephones from radio emissions that some people fear can trigger cancers." - News item
"The 'Mobile Cap' going on sale for 385 Norwegian crowns ($53) each, includes a light metal tissue that channels almost 100 percent of radio waves away from the head while allowing sound to pass through. "
Fifty-three dollars? Maybe it would be a better just to fold up a peice of tinfoil.
article found on the 'Daily Illuminator'
"A California company plans to fly the world's first private mission to the moon next year, delivering messages, business cards, and cremated remains for a fee." - AP Article
Looks like private industry is now, quite literally, shooting for the moon.
Not much to do with computers, but ...
It was about a century ago that the world's first billion dollar company, U.S. Steel was incorporated. It's money going to blue-collar laborers, some white collar staff, and a few investors.
Today, with the collapse of Enron, if you took all the money paid to the legal teams and firms, it would surpass a billion dollars. A billion-dollar industry, with all the money going to lawyers.
Sign of the times.
.....
"... Well, I'm outside and playing. "
The Gamers - a movie about fantasy RPG. "One late night in a college dorm, four socially inept geeks immerse themselves in a fantasy world of their own creation. As their characters journey through forbidden kingdoms, ancient ruins, and the forsaken wilderness, the players attempt to solve a mysterious puzzle that could ultimately mean the difference between getting a life and death. Who is The Shadow? Where is The Princess hidden? Will any of them ever find a date? And how long do they have before their annoyed neighbors call the cops?
(movie trailer has some foul language)