"Here at First National, you're not just a number ...
You're two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash, and another number."
-- Unknown, from Clean Laffs
Some doctors are predicting within the year, it'l be possible to do face transplants - News item.
Lawyers and politicians get a second one at half price.
Remember those urban legends of guys getting drunk and waking up minus a kidney? Now you have to worry about "loosing face."
Also in the news, Michael Jackson ...
Something to be thankful for ...
Scientists believe a large species of hyena in Siberia may have kept humans from settling the Americas until the domestication of the dog. - News Article.
A case of fido having the last laugh.
"One of the classics of neural net (computers) was when the army was trying to teach them to recognize tanks behind bushes. They took pictures of landscape without tanks behind them, and pictures of landscape with tanks in it. The army was amazed to find the neural nets giving 100 percent recognition. After they started looking at things, all the pictures without tanks had been taken in the early morning, and the pictures with tanks had been taken near noon. All the nets had learned was how to tell the difference between light and dark."
by Mark Stanley, "Freefall" artist, discussing robots and computers in his story universe
The heaviest element known to science is Managerium.
This element has no protons or electrons, but has a nucleus made up of 1 neutron, 2 vice-neutrons, 5 junior vice-neutrons, 25 assistant vice-neutrons, and 125 junior assistant vice- neutrons all going round in circles.
Managerium has a half-life of three years, at which time it does not decay but institutes a series of reviews leading to reorganization.
Its molecules are held together by means of the exchange of tiny particles known as morons.
from "Clean Laffs"
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints by QANTAS pilots and the corrective action recorded by mechanics.
By the way, Qantas is supposedly the only major airline that has never had an accident.
P = the problem the pilots entered in the log.
S = the solution or corrective action taken by the mechanics.
*
P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
*
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
*
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.
*
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
*
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
*
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
*
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for!
*
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
*
P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you're right.
*
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
*
P: Radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed radar with words.
*
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
from topgreetings.com
.....
"Is your wrist hurting again?"
The US Army has been researching into making the Ultimate Stink Bomb.
"Man!! This is disgusting! Where did you find this?"
"My son's old sneakers."
You've seen them in various cons. The "Sailor Moon Men," the guys who forever kept shouting "chair!", and those who seem to not have bathed for a while.
It appears these people are part of a conspiracy ...
the Japanese Animae Convention Killers of the Anti-anime Secret Society.
Or for short, J.A.C.K.A.S.S.
In the news, scientists plan to create the first artificial life form - News Item
No word on whether anyone plans to say upon their success, "It's alive. It's alive!"
I am reading a most interesting book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
from Clean Laffs
A remake of the 1976 TV show "The Bionic Woman" is being done.
"Uh, guys, haven't you finished repairing my legs yet?"
Friday, we had a tornado drill. We're underneath a parking garage and there's a PA announcement "This is a tornado drill. Please move quickly away from all windows."
Somebody yelled out: "Quick, get to a DOS prompt!"
from Clean Laffs
"Welcome to VillainSupply.com Your Online Source For Everything EVILŠ. If you are a supervillain, mad scientist, warlord, dictator, or despot, then this is the place for you."
found on the Daily Illuminator
Bonus Joke:
" The roaming charges are killing me "
In 1998, John Glenn returned to NASA's spaceport for a hands-on tour and front row seat for Thursday's shuttle launch. The 76-year-old former astronaut and long-term Ohio senator won a bid for a second spaceflight for geriatric research in October...
... Does Rascal make a space shuttle...?
... He just has to promise not to drive too slow or ride the brake...
... Ordinarily this would cost NASA millions, but with Glenn's senior pass...
... He's ideally suited to space travel -- at his age he's already on a liquid diet, and pees in his suit...
L.A.R.P. - What it's supposed to mean in the role-playing game set is Live Action Role Playing.
To some at sci-fi/fantasy conventions however, LARP means Largely Annoying Role Players.
punchline from "Jerry"
As an experiment, an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are placed in separate rooms and left with a can of food, but no can opener. A day later, the rooms are opened, one-by-one.
In the first room, the engineer is snoring, with a battered, opened and emptied can. When asked, he explains that when he got hungry, he beat the can to its failure point.
In the second room, the physicist is seen mouthing equations, with a can popped open beside him. When asked, he explains that when he got hungry, he examined the stress points of the can, applied pressure, and "pop!"
In the third room, the mathematician is found sweating, and mumbling to himself, "Assume the can is open, assume the can is open..."
from Clean Laffs
"Rather than just bombard online viewers with an online version of a hard sell, marketers are wrapping their sales pitches in the soft-guises of cleverly-designed online games." - Playing the Ad Game
If it means those annoying popups go away, its a game where everybody wins.
Thieves stole a rare book by Sir Issac Newton from a Russian library. - News item
They didn't realize the gravity of the mess they were making.
In the news, a "Father and Daughter team have been making progress in uncovering the "Hidden face of Mars."
Seems natural, as daughters are always making hidden faces at their fathers.
In computer-development news, "Computers of the future could be controlled by eye movements, rather than a mouse or keyboard." So you could " Replace your mouse with your eye."
Replace your mouse with your eye? Wouldn't that be rather painful, not to mention a bit gross?
.....
Observations are showing some crows can make simple tools -
So much for the term "birdbrain."
In an unusual move against a company by one of its own directors, Walter Hewlett accused Hewlett-Packard Co. of improperly enticing a big investor to back HP's $19 billion buyout of Compaq Computer. He also said HP executive's lied bout their ability to achieve the deal's financial targets without exceeding their prediction of 15,000 job cuts...
... He then said to the reporter's "And you can PRINT THAT!" ... get it? HP? They make printers? ... hah? ... oh forget it...
from Comedy On tap
So what will be the First Words on Mars
"Houston, explain, 'reboot life support'?"
"Can you hear me now?"
"Dude this ain't the moon! lower the ladder before you break your legs"
"Ah, Osama! We finally get you!"
and my favorite ...
"Yeah NASA we've landed, but that 'meters or feet' comment during our final approach was NOT funny!!!!"
site found by "No One"
Said an innocent young thing, "Oh, I can see how astronomers figure out the distance of the stars and their size and temperatures and all that. What really gets me is how they find out what their names are!"
from Clean Laffs
A Creative Defense
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:
"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."
"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."
The defendant smiled.
With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out!
from Jokes Galore
Astronomers have discovered a small object near the planet Uranus. They say it is among the faintest objects ever detected in our Solar System...
... And quite possibly a Kling-on...
Comedy on Tap
A man attempting to set up his new printer called the tech support number, complaining about the error message:
"Can't find the printer."
On the phone, the man said he even held the printer up in front of the screen, but the computer still couldn't find it!
from Clean Laffs
.....
Bonus Joke:
Bill Gates hears about Apple's latest troubles.
"A group headed by a French scientist, putting together a satellite-based time capsule, is in India seeking messages that will orbit Earth for 50,000 years and then return to the planet." - abcnews.com .
The way things are, they'd probably think it was old junk email.
"... I think the cow that had provided the meat had been driven across the plains by Buffalo Bill Cody."
"You see that last sentence? The one about the cow and the meat? When I ran my computer's Microsoft spelling and grammar program, it objected to the 'passive voice' in the sentence and suggested I rewrite it to say 'Buffalo Bill Cody had provided had driven the cow that provided the meat across the plains.'
"What? ' ... the meat across the plains'?
"The company that refuses to use the word 'everyday' correctly in its new $300 million ad campaign has thus suggested that I destroy the syntax and the meaning of the sentence in order to rescue it from the dreaded 'passive voice' - which is approximately the equivalent of shutting down your computer by shooting it.
"Some days, that doesn't seem like a half-bad idea.
"(Or as Bill Gates might put it, 'Somedays, ...')
from Dave Addis in the Virginian Pilot
"Scientists have found that gravity is stronger in the southwest of New Zealand than almost anywhere else on Earth. A study published in the American journal Science says Fiordland is one of the newest places in the world where Earth's plates are grinding together, leaving heavy rocks from the planet's core relatively close to the surface, causing higher gravity. That means people weigh more there than elsewhere..."
No reports on what effect this has on diet plans in the region.
from Comedy on Tap