Today's Useless Fact - What was the first computer virus?
We can trace the germ of the idea to John von Neumann, the father of the computer program. In the late 40s, he came up with the notion of a program that could reproduce itself.
In the 60s, when time-sharing on large computers was still common, two programmers at the Bell Labs invented a routine that could steal time on the machine from other programmers. By the early 80s, several harmless programs that we would recognize as computer viruses had been demonstrated on Apple computers.
With self-replication and the potential ability to cause mischief in place, the stage was set for real digital deviance. In 1985, the EGABTR virus, disguised as a graphics program, was spread via email. It wiped out everything on a hard disk, leaving only the message, "Arf, arf, Gotcha!"
Oh, you dog.
from "Factmaster"
Some time ago, the US Army awarded a $50 million contract to MIT to develop a uniform for the soldier of the future.
MIT made a report, complete with an illustration, which bore quite a resemblance to a character of a comic book called "Radix." The artists have complained, and may sue.
For fifty million, one would think they could have done better than copy off a $3 magazine/
"More than 70,000 people in Australia have declared that they are followers of the Jedi faith, the religion created by the Star Wars films." - Jedi 'religion' grows in Australia
And so 70,000 in Australia have declared they have no lives.
from Alqua and the Webmaster's Dad
A medical breakthrough has doctors growing embryos outside a woman's body through the development of artificial wombs. According to Dr Hung-Ching Liu of Cornell University's Centre for Reproductive Medicine and Infertility, "We hope to create complete artificial wombs using these techniques in a few years... Women with damaged uteruses and wombs will be able to have babies for the first time"...
... And the best thing of all? Never a headache!...
Comedy On-Tap
"Think of the Internet as a highway."
There it is again. Some clueless fool talking about the "Information Superhighway." They don't know didley about the net. It's nothing like a superhighway. That's a rotten metaphor.
Suppose the metaphor ran in the other direction. Suppose the highways were like the net. . .
A highway hundreds of lanes wide. Most with pitfalls for potholes. Privately operated bridges and overpasses. No highway patrol. A couple of rent-a-cops on bicycles with broken whistles. 500 member vigilante posses with nuclear weapons. A minimum of 237 on ramps at every intersection. No signs. Wanna get to Ensenada? Holler out the window at a passing truck to ask directions. Ad hoc traffic laws. Some lanes would vote to make use by a single-occupant- vehicle a capital offense on Monday through Friday between 7:00 and 9:00. Other lanes would just shoot you without a trial for talking on a car phone.
AOL would be a giant diesel-smoking bus with hundreds of terminally ill victims on board throwing dead wombats and rotten cabbage at the other cars, most of which have been assembled at home from kits. Some are built around 2.5 horsepower lawnmower engines with a top speed of nine miles an hour. Others burn nitrogylcerin and idle at 120.
No license plates. World War II bomber nose art instead. Terrifying paintings of huge teeth or vampire eagles. Bumper mounted machine guns. Flip somebody the finger on this highway and get a white phosphorus grenade up your tailpipe. Flatbed trucks cruise around with anti-aircraft missile batteries to shoot down the traffic helicopter. Little kids on tricycles with squirtguns filled with hydrochloric acid switch lanes without warning.
NO OFFRAMPS. None.
Now that's the way to run an Interstate Highway system.
from "Uniqueusername," Author unknown
Adjusting from Internet chat .
.....
A co-worker asked if I knew what to do about a computer problem that was preventing her from getting e-mail. After calling the help desk, I told my colleague that e-mail was being delayed to check for a computer virus.
"It's a variant of the I Love You virus, only worse," I said.
"What could be worse?" my single co-worker asked wryly. "The Let's Just Be Friends virus?"
from Clean Laughs
Canidates for America's Dumbest Criminals .
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Sims in Space - "Moon Sims'
from the "Daily Illuminator"
"The Times of London reports that Japanese scientists are planning to use tissue from ... a dead mammoth to clone the extinct creature and display it at an Ice Age wildlife park in Siberia." - News Item.
"Welcome to Pleistocene Park."
.....
"A MYSTERIOUS flying object said to attack sleeping villagers has sparked mass hysteria and rioting across the north Indian state of Uttar Pradesh. ...The object, described as a flying sphere emitting red and blue light, is said to strike in the middle of the night, leaving victims with burns or scratches on their faces and limbs, and earning it the name the muhnochwa (face-scratcher)." - News Item
"The Times of India reported that the national intelligence bureau was sufficiently concerned to send its own agents, like Mulder and Scully from television's X-Files, to investigate the 'alien' invasion."
An Indian X-Files? So instead of Muller we get Mohatnas?
"My theory is that a computer interface should hurt the user. So I designed new sounds into the product. We've got 'Sound of Puking', 'Fingernails on Blackboard' and 'Bird Hitting Window'. But suppose the user does something WRONG. Then we have the sound of a puking bird hitting a black- board."
Scott Adams - from "Clean Laffs"
"... let me take care of this user."
.....
Computer Terms
SWIPEOUT:
An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
XEROX SUBSIDY:
Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE:
The fine art of whacking the $#@^ out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
VULCAN NERVE PINCH:
The taxing hand position required to reach all the appropriate keys for some computer commands.
404:
Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.
from IBLaffing
Get this - "Airport security screeners may soon try to read the minds of travelers to identify terrorists."
NASA officals "have told Northwest Airlines security specialists that the agency is developing brain-monitoring devices in cooperation with a commercial firm ... Space technology would be adapted to receive and analyze brain-wave and heartbeat patterns, then feed that data into computerized programs 'to detect passengers who potentially might pose a threat.' ...Ê NASA wants to use 'noninvasive neuro-electric sensors,' imbedded in gates, to collect tiny electric signals that all brains and hearts transmit. Computers would apply statistical algorithms to correlate physiologic patterns with computerized data on travel routines, criminal background and credit information from 'hundreds to thousands of data sources,' "
Now you just know those guys in the casino buisiness are going to be looking into this.
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The Top 9 Phrases Overheard in AOL Chat Room Real Life Get-Togethers
9. "When I type ROFLMAO during our chats, do you actually 'pronounce' each of the words, or do you just say 'Roffelmow'?"
8. "MOM!?!?!?"
7. "WHY ARE WE SCREAMING?" "I DON'T KNOW!"
6. "ReHi, had 2 go bthrm. 'Sup? HEFY? ROFL!!!"
5. "Wanna find some computers and have cybersex?"
4. "Finally, a chance for us to fully discuss Thucydides's 'History of the Peloponnesian War!'"
3. "Um...hi. So...um...ah...got any warez?"
2. "Anyone know what that big bright yellow thing up in the sky is?"
...and the Number 1 Phrase Overheard in AOL Chat Room Real Life Get-Togethers...
1. "You have the right to remain silent..."
From "Eve S. Dropper"
A co-worker asked if I knew what to do about a computer pro- blem that was preventing her from getting e-mail. After calling the help desk, I told my colleague that e-mail was being delayed to check for a computer virus.
"It's a variant of the I Love You virus, only worse," I said.
"What could be worse?" my single co-worker asked wryly. "The Let's Just Be Friends virus?"
from Clean Laughs
"World Dommination for Dummies"
from Alqua Kalina
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The U.S. Supreme Court is deliberating on a law that would require sex offenders to register with the state, and then permit that information to be posted on the Internet...
... Sexual deviants on the Internet? Who ever heard of such a thing?...
from Comedy on Tap
"The most ANNOYING webpage in the Universe "
"No, you weren't downloaded ..."
from www.krank.dk
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"A joint study carried out by the University of Northumbria and the Cognitive Research Unit, Reading, has found that chewing gum has a positive effect on cognitive tasks such as thinking and memory."
" 'The results were extremely clear and specifically we found that chewing gum targeted memory,' Andrew Scholey of the university's Human Cognitive Neuroscience Unit said, 'People recalled more words and performed better in tests on working memory.' "
Somehow, I doubt that would convince classroom teachers.
AOL Time Warner Inc.'s Chief Operating Officer Robert Pittman could resign as early as Thursday at the company's board meeting...
... And when he leaves they'll all chime, "GOOD-BYE!!!"
from "The Jokeman"
A lab in Texas has cloned the first cat, hoping to provide copies of pets to brokenhearted pet owners
... Wait - is it legal to clone a cat? Or is this a copycat crime?"
from Comedy on Tap
"I'm not even gonna call this one in ...."
Advice Column for GURPS gamers
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"The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources."
--Albert Einstein from Clean Laffs
"The Spam-demic Map" - a chart giving some insight where the curse of e-mail comes from.
from the "Daily Illuminator"
"Are you sure you updated the anti-virus software?"
from the webmaster's Dad
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"Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones."
--Mike Barfiel from Clean Laffs
"Last week an asteroid the size of a football field narrowly missed the Earth. No one knew about it. But turns out the day before, Martha Stewart went out and bought stock in a roofing company.
-- Jay Leno, from the "Jokeman," Fri June 28
from Stytoons
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"Authorities ... are investigating information from detainees that suggests al Qaeda members -- and possibly even bin Laden -- are hiding messages inside photographic files on pornographic Web sites" - Hunt for bin-Laden goes online
"Um, yes, we were ... encrypring secret messages. Yes, that's it."
"Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards says he's scared to death of cell phones, that he consideres them dangerous. Amazing. Cell phones are dangerous, but black tar heroin is OK."
-- Jay Leno from the "Jokeman"