Robotics has finally caught up with the brewing industry. A story on azcentral.com today featured a student genius at the University of Florida who has built a beer opening robot. Named ABOR, or the Autonomous Beer-Opening Robot, this handy little device will grip your beer bottle and with mechanical precision pop off the top, with no human assistance whatsoever! It's even small enough to sit on your countertop.

Unfortunately, it's a one-of-a-kind item since the student, Jean-Phillipe Clerc, built the thing as part of his mechanical engineering master's program. The rest of us will have to continue doing it the old fashioned way, by banging the bottle caps against our wives' counter tops.

from Clean Laffs

"Windows for Home Appliances test lab."

from www.kaniamania.com/

.....

In the news, scientists have fitted rats with electrodes in their heads, allowing them to be directed via remote control, in essence making them "remote controlled rodents" - News article.

Rembember the saying about building a better mousetrap? Well, someone just built a better rat.

"Computer game sales are about to outstrip the combined sales of music on CD, record and tape. " News article .

The industry keeps blaming computer users, "Piracy! Piracy! Piracy!"

Personally, I think all those Britney & boyband clones aren't helping. In order for it to truly be pirating music, it has to actualy be music.

"Spider-Man has swooped into the record books. The $130 million Marvel Comics adaptation enjoyed the biggest day ever in Hollywood history..."

from boxofficemojo.com ... on the WEB .

"the newest computer ...."

from krisken.hpg.ig.com

.....

Clues That You Should Get Offline:

You name your children Netscape, Hyperlink and dotcom.

You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap... and your child in the overhead compartment.

You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.

You laugh at people with 28.8-baud modems.

You start using smileys :) in your snail mail.

You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com

You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.

You tell the cab driver you live at http://1000.edison.garden/house/brick.html

After reading this joke, you immediately forward it to a thousand of your closest friends.

from Jokeman

THE NEAR FUTURE...The US has succeeded in building a computer able to solve any strategic or tactical problem. Military leaders are assembled in front of the new machine and instructed to feed a difficult tactical problem into it. They describe a hypothetical situation to the computer and then ask the pivotal question: ATTACK OR RETREAT?

The computer hums away for an hour and then comes up with the answer: YES.

The generals look at each other, somewhat stupefied. Finally they submit a second request to the computer: Yes WHAT?

Instantly the computer responded: YES SIR!

Clean Laffs

"virus ate my computer."

from www.fudge.cz

.....

Battle.net is the gaming service used for Blizzard Entertainment games, notably Starcraft and Diablo. A huge hit with gamers, irronically it's huge popularity has led to lower quality of the game via frequent crashes and lag times. Then there's some players preying on weaker ones and the "hacks" that give a few unfair advantages.

So some software developers in their spare time came up with "bnetd," a "free software version of battle.net."With bnetd's code anyone could set up their own server for playing Blizzard games, and since the code was open to the general public, they could even modify it themselves if they so pleased.

One would think Blizzard would appreciate the effort made for its paying customers, especially since battle.net is also free. Instead, the company is suing. - Article

The company is citing "copyright infringment and the promotion of piracy." Others are calling it an unfortunate change of an post-boom "example of how the Internet works ...

"Build a better mouse trap, catch more mice. Build a better online gaming server, get yourself sued."

For gamers frustrated by battle.net's troubles, Blizzard's attitude seems really cold.

In the news, a supercolony of ants has been discovered stretching thousands of miles from the Italian Riviera along the coastline to northwest Spain - News Article

"First the Eurodollar, now the Euroant" - "Daily Illuminator"

"Primitive UFOs."

from the webmaster's Dad

.....

In the news, some people once blind are now able to see thanks to a microchip implanted in their eyes - Bionic Renta Gives Six Paitents Partial Sight.

All in favor of this technology say "Aye."

Mother's Day Special:

According to a recent survey, household moms are not only matching the time their kids spend online, but surpassing it. News Article

They often become even more 'net savy than their kids, which means they'll be better able to keep track of where they go online.

Which means bad news for the porno sites.

A family is voulentering to have electronic chips implanted in them. Specifically, in the shoulder - news item .

From the point of view of privacy advocates, that's not the only chip they have on their shoulders.

"We've heard disturbing reports you've been using our people in some of your scientific experiments."

from the webmaster's Dad

.....

"SW2" hasn't even hit the theaters, and already, copies are already appearing on the net - News Article.

For Lucasfilms, it's an all new "Attack of the Clones."

Reviews are coming in about the new "Star Wars" movie, and some are less than thrilled - News item. One remarked, "His latest installment of 'Star Wars' is far, far from great."

This Newsweek critic thought it should have been called "Attack of the Groans."

"He's rebooting.."

from www.krank.dk/

.....

Star Wars Special:

At a theater durring the showing of Attack of the Clones ...

"Hawwwwwwwwwwk... Hawwwwwwwwwwk... "

"Hey Fred, I know this is a Star Wars film, but I thought Darth Vader didn't appear here in "Episode 2."

"That wasn't Darth Vader." :::bangs seat ahead of him::: "Hey buddy, if you have to sleep, could you stop snoring."

A young student and a Jedi are discussing lighsabers.

Student: "You had to build your own lightsaber?"

Jedi: "All Jedi must either build their own, or recieve it as a gift."

Student: "You mean even when there were hundreds of Jedi Knights, no company offered to make and sell them?"

Jedi: "No, that was never done."

Student: "So why was it? That the transfer of credits would somehow cheapen the mystique of the lightsaber?

Jedi: "Not quite."

Student: "That mass-production as opposed to being made by the hands of a single man would make them look cheap?

Jedi: "Not quite."

Student: "Why then?"

Jedi: "Think about it. A company that made those things for general sale to the public? Can you imagine the lawsuits, let alone the insurance costs?"

Durring the first day Star Wars "Attack of the Clones" came out, a number of workers called in sick.

Must be a lot of "Sith-itis" going around.

"You're going to be the death of me."

An exaspirated Obi-Wan Kenobi to Anakin Skywalker in "Attack of the Clones."

Jedi Darwin Award #23

"Now remember students, you never look into a lightsaber hilt with the safety off."

"Whaddya mean. I'm looking in it right no-"

SHI-UMMMM!!

(thud)

"Uh, medic!"

Apparently, the question about whether or not "Spider Man" would keep it's recordbreaking initial weekend take was dashed when "Attack of the Clones" doubled it.

This was no surprise to core Star Wars fans: "lightsabers cut webbing!"

.....

And in the Sunday comics ...

A Star Wars fan and a computer animator are discussing "Attack of the Clones."

Fan: You must have done quite a bit of work on the movie.

Animator: I suppose I have.

Fan: Were you among those who did the "Yoda fight scene?"

Animator: Actually, I was the only one.

Fan: Man, that must've been a lot of work!"

Animator: Actually, no. Only a little work was required for that.

Fan: What?! How could all that be just a little work?

Animator: Actually the real work was making the Yoda balloon. What you saw wasn't computer animation; what you saw was the popped baloon flying around with just a few digital touch-ups.

Special thanks to Dave Wright

"street coders."

.....

Two "Star Wars" fans are talking ...

"I think 'Clones' was much better than 'Episode One.' No nine-year-olds taking on a starship and winning, no things like 'mitoclorines,' and best of all, no Jar-Jar!"

"Oh come on, what's with Jar-Jar?"

"What's with him? Come on, he's so blasted annoying!"

"I thought he was cool."

"What?! Are you freakin' dense?"

"Heh, I thought he made the movie."

"He made the movie all right, made it nearly unbearable."

Special thanks to Cindy

Remember those charges over Star Wars "Episode 1" supposedly saying certain aliens made fun of ethnic groups?

Well, it's happening again. Someone's saying "Attack of the Clones" villian Jango Fett, and therefore the army of clones based off him, looks "too Hispanic."

Guess one could call it "Attack of the Politically Correct."

"We don't need to actually test our program. We have our customers for that."

from www.krank.dk/

.....

"Troopers" "COPS" meets the Galactic Empire Stormtroopers.

"Building a life-sized Milenium Falcon" A dedecated Star Wars fan builds a "life-sized" prop of the famous space transport.

Another Falcon page

Subject: You might be a redneck Jedi if... (part 2)

( continued from here )

Your Jedi robe is camouflage.

At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.

You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.

The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.

You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.

You never saw anything wrong with Leia and Luke "hookin' up", and Han shoulda never interfeared.....

contributed by Kathy

"the meaning of life."

.....

In America, the latest Star Wars movie is showing - "Attack of the Clones."

In Afghanistan, the first generation of armed pilotless aircraft is bombing terrorists - "Attack of the Drones."

Microsoft founder Bill Gates took the stand the other day for the first time in his company's epic antitrust case, testifying the penalties being sought by nine states would undermine the Windows software used by millions of Americans....

... You mean the software that crashes on my computer every day WITHOUT being undermined by the penalties sought by nine states...?

"NT - Neanderthal Technology."

from krisken.hpg.ig.com

.....

Scientists have revealed the full technical details of their discovery of vast reservoirs of ice beneath the Martian surface. So much ice has been found in the polar regions that if it were to melt it would deluge the planet. - Mars ice could flood planet

And already, alarmists are already crying 'global warming!' "

The Star Wars phenomina has been far-reaching, even in the depths of Capitol Hill as Lobbyists call on Congressmen to "Give in to the power of the Pork Side! "

"Astronomer practical jokes."

.....

ALTERNATE ENDING: EMPIRE STRIKES BACK

A furious lightsaber duel is under way. DARTH VADER is backing LUKE SKYWALKER toward the end of the gantry. A quick move by Vader, chops off Luke's hand! It goes spinning off into the ventilation shaft. Luke backs away. He looks round, but realizes there's nowhere to go but straight down.

DARTH VADER: "Obi Wan never told you what happened to your father."

LUKE: "He told me enough! He told me you killed him!"

DARTH VADER: "No! I am your father!"

LUKE: "No, it's not true! It's impossible."

DARTH VADER: "Search your feelings; you know it to be true."

LUKE: "NO!"

DARTH VADER: "Yes, it is true and you know what else? You know that brass droid of yours?"

LUKE: "Threepio?"

DARTH VADER: "Yes, Threepio, I built him when I was seven years old."

LUKE: "No."

DARTH VADER: "Seven years old? And what have you done? Look at yourself, no hand, no job, and couldn't even levitate your own ship out of the swamp."

LUKE: "I destroyed your precious Death Star!"

DARTH VADER: "When you were 20! When I was 10, I single-handedly destroyed a Trade Federation Droid Control ship!"

LUKE: "Well, it's not my fault."

DARTH VADER: "Oh, here we go. 'Poor me, my father never gave me what I wanted for my birthday, boo hoo, my daddy's the Dark Lord of the Sith.. waahhh wahhh!'"

LUKE: "Shut up."

DARTH VADER: "You're a slacker! By the time I was your age, I had exterminated the Jedi knights!"

LUKE: "I used to race my T-16 through Beggar's Canyon!"

DARTH VADER: "Oh, for the love of the Emperor, 10 years old, winner of the Boonta Eve Open. One human to ever fly a Pod Racer, right here baby!"

Luke looks down the shaft. Takes a step toward it.

DARTH VADER: "I was wrong. You're not my kid. I don't know whose you are, but you sure ain't mine."

Luke takes a step off the platform, hesitates, then plunges down the shaft.

Darth Vader looks after him.

DARTH VADER: "And get a haircut!"

from Jerry, author unknown

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