"Who makes our guided missiles? "
from krisken.hpg.ig.com
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April Fool's Special:
There is a secret hidden in the picture in this link somewhere. Click here, and try to find it. It may take a minute.
from Kathy & others
Someone in the New York Times recently claimed "INTERNET NO LONGER 'FUN' "
"Hear that boss? That means I'm not having fun. Er, yes that does look a little like a video game, and those are scantily clad girls. But it's on the news, so it's official, the 'net is officially not fun anymore..."
from chiaweb.net
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"Personal computer manufacturers are scrambling to raise prices or alter products in order to adapt to the rising cost of memory and flat panel display modules. Dell, the worlds' largest PC maker, has raised prices of machines that contain more memory, reflecting the higher cost of some components. " - PC makers raise prices as component costs surge
To paraphrase the commercial, "Dude, you're paying up for Dell."
"Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots."
"So far, the Universe is winning."
- Rich Cook, from Clean Laffs
" Not THAT kind of mouse ... "
.....
A medical breakthrough has doctors growing embryos outside a woman's body through the development of artificial wombs. According to Dr Hung-Ching Liu of Cornell University's Centre for Reproductive Medicine and Infertility, "We hope to create complete artificial wombs using these techniques in a few years... Women with damaged uteruses and wombs will be able to have babies for the first time"...
... And the best thing of all? Never a headache!...
from Comedy On-Tap
In 1999, Vice President Al Gore ended an 11-day silence about his much-ridiculed claim that he invented the Internet. Gore said, quote, "I was pretty tired when I made that comment because I had been up very late the night before inventing the camcorder...''
... There's a difference between inventing a computer program and BEING a computer, Al...
from Comedy On-Tap
C.Y.B.O.R.G. "Just enter your name below and the Cyborger will tell you what your name would mean if you happened to be a shallow imitation of humanity with a dark purpose. And when you get right down to it, maybe you are."
from Alqua Kalina
from krisken.hpg.ig.com
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Re-released 20 years after being a 500 million dollar hit, "ET" proved a disapointment, making less than five million in 26 countries on Easter weekend - ET flops around the world
"ET can go home because no-one will notice"
"He may be the world's richest man, but that didn't prevent Bill Gates from falling for an April Fool's Day joke by two Quebec radio comics pretending to be Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chretien. - Bill Gates fooled by Quebec radio station
" 'We are taking it in good fun -- and we are glad they did not call collect,' said Sean Sundwall, public relations manager at Microsoft."
radio broadcast with recording of the phone call (to a French-speaking audience)
The World's first talking washing machine is being developed for the Indian market.
"'Washy Talky' guides the user through the entire washing process, starting by telling him or her "in a female warm, personal Indian middle class accent," as the news release says, to 'drop detergent, close lid and relax.' " Talking Washing Machine Unveiled
But what would it say if it were made over here?
"Ewwwwww... WHAT in the world have you been rolling in?"
A seniors' community is using "Aibo" pet robotic dogs to help cheer up the residents: 'Spot' Goes High-Tech
Although made of plastic & metal, they won over the residents with their ability act and respond much like real dogs, wagging their tails and playing with balls.
And best of all, no need to feed or clean up after them.
"What Is It? couldn't be any more to the point: Someone is leaving messages embedded in the streets of major cities, most of them making oblique references to Stanley Kubrick's 2001: A Space Odyssey. What does the message really mean? Who is leaving these missives? And will we find an obelisk if we dig up the road?"
"It should surprise no one that potholes are part of the conspiracy."
found on the Daily Illuminator
Star Wars Fanatics, Waiting in Line for Weeks, Explain Their Devotion - "We're Not Losers"
They do admit to some of their rank off the deep end - "'At night, you'll see some real strange dudes ... The police know us from three years ago, when we waited for the last Star Wars movie.' "
"Lamothe and Thomas admit that the last Star Wars installment, Episode I Ñ The Phantom Menace, was a bit disappointing. 'When I first saw it, you could say I was disappointed' Lamothe said."
Maybe they're not all such losers after all ;)
"First came the atom bomb, the stealth bomber and the airborne laser. Now comes the US military's latest fearsome weapon:" the indestructible sandwich ."
I thought their C-rations already fit the category.
.....
"Edward Castronova, associate professor of economics at California State University at Fullerton, recently completed a study of the economic activity surrounding "EverQuest," a popular online role-playing game. In 'EverQuest,' players control characters that acquire skills and possessions that can be bartered within the game or sold for real money on online auction sites such as eBay. - "EverQuest" spins its own economy
"Based on a review of thousands of completed auctions for "EverQuest" items and in-game currency, Castronova concluded that players earn an average wage of $3.42 for every hour they play the game and collectively produce annual gross "exports" of more than $5 million.
"And if the 'EverQuest' universe of Norrath were a country, its per-capita gross national product would be $2,266--comparable to the 77th richest country on Earth and ranking it between Russia and Bulgaria. Platinum pieces, the in-game currency known as pp, end up with an exchange rate of about a penny per pp, making 'EverQuest' currency more valuable than the Japanese yen and the Spanish peseta."
And yet, the only ones getting rich are on the corporate board of the business behind the company.
"Since 1987 The UFO Abduction Insurance Company ... offers the perfect policy for anyone who thinks they have Everything Covered:" "Beam Me Up...ÊI'm Covered"
Going where no insurance has gone before.
krisken.hpg.ig.com
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Bonus Joke - April 15 Special:
"How many stormtroopers does it take to pay your taxes?"
"None. We don't pay taxes, we collect them! "
man in stormtrooper outfit in show poking fun at IRS the weekend before April 15
Computer Error
In March of 1992 a man living in Newton, Massachusetts received a bill on his as yet unused credit card stating that he owed $0.00. He threw it away. In April he received another and tossed that one, too. The following month the credit card company sent him a nasty note stating they were going to cancel his card if he didn't send them $0.00.
In retrospect, he probably should have let them do that. Instead he called the company and was informed that (are you ready for this?) the problem was the result of a computer error. They told him they'd take care of it.
The following month he reasoned that, if other charges appeared on the card, then it would put an end to his ridiculous predicament. Besides, they assured him the problem would be resolved. So he presented his card for a purchase. It was declined.
Once again he called. He learned that the credit card had been canceled for lack of payment. They apologized for (here it is again) another computer error and promised they would rectify the situation.
The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue. Assuming that this bill was yet another mistake, he ignored it. But the following month he received yet another bill for $0.00 stating that he had ten days to pay his account in full or the company would take necessary steps to recover the debt.
He gave in. He mailed in a check for $0.00. The computer duly processed it and returned a statement to the effect that his account was paid in full.
A week later, the man's bank called him asking him why he wrote a check for $0.00. He explained the problem at length. The bank replied that the $0.00 check had caused their check processing software to fail. The bank could not now process ANY checks from ANY of their customers that day because the check for $0.00 caused a computer crash.
The following month the man received a letter from the credit card company claiming that his check had bounced, that he still owed $0.00 and, unless payment was sent immediately, they would institute procedures to collect his debt.
This man, who had been considering buying his wife a computer for her birthday, bought her a typewriter instead.
from Kathy
"The Pearly Gates get a computer-age update"
from www.krank.dk
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In Spain, a priest upset over the ringing of cell phones during his masses has installed an electronic jammer in his church to prevent the distraction ...
...I can just see God now walking around saying, "Can you hear me now? Can you hear me now? Can you hear me now?"...
Comedy on Tap
What was the first video game?
In 1962, computers weren't supposed to be fun, unless you enjoyed taking inventory in an automobile parts warehouse. Back then you had to train and feed a mouse, and a cursor was the foul-mouthed guy in the next office.
But a group of programmers at M. I. T. had a better idea: Fun and games. They claimed they were trying to demonstrate the power of their new minicomputer. Sure, after a few six- packs.
The result of their digital daydreaming was Spacewar. It was just two space ships firing torpedoes at each other. There was no color, no sound, and the floor didn't vibrate. Parents didn't worry about their kids becoming obsessed. It was just a couple of geeks screwing around. It was cheaper than drugs -- until graduate student Nolan Bushnell, inspired by Spacewar, founded Atari . . .. It's no longer cheaper than drugs.
from TOP-GREETINGS.COM
In Spain, a priest upset over the ringing of cell phones during his masses has installed an electronic jammer in his church to prevent the distraction ...
...I can just see God now walking around saying, "Can you hear me now? Can you hear me now? Can you hear me now?"...
Comedy on Tap
Everybody's heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"
Late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.
The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.
By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.
The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane...only this time there were two people inside.
The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"
from Clean Laffs
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"Taiwanese scientists have cloned pigs that carry genetic material from both human and pig cells, a breakthrough that might lead to new treatments for hemophilia and other diseases, scientists said Thursday" - News Article
Pigs with human DNA? Not a big surprise to me. I see plenty of humans with pig DNA, notably a couple I have to work alongside with at my job.
from krisken.hpg.ig.com
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Bonus Joke:
Riddle: How can you tell if a web adress has a horror theme?
it goes "ayech-tee-pee-pee, colon, slash-slash-slash-slash-slash-slash-slash... "
Recently, a "smart glass" was invented for use by restaraunts. When empty, electronic curcuitry in the glass sends a signal to the waiter to stop by to offer a refil.
Virginian Pilot Columnist Dave Addis suggested a truly smart glass would send an additional signal after so many drinks, " 'Cut this lush off, he's about to fall off his stool.' "
"A computer especially for binary programing"
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"G4, an all-video-game TV network, is set to launch Wednesday to capitalize on the country's growing fascination with gaming. The timing seems especially opportune in light of the ongoing three-way battle between Microsoft, Sony and Nintendo for video game console sales." - 24-hour video game channel set to launch
I can just see some of the thicker game-heads watching - "Hey! Th' controller won't move my man!"
Taking a break from 'NSYNC, Lance Bass was in Moscow this weekend to undergo a few medical tests to see if he can qualify for a November mission aboard a Russian Soyuz rocket to the International Space Station...
... They had to perform an MRI on his wallet, in other words...
Comedy on Tap
"(Governor Jesse) Ventura's campaign committee, credited in 1998 with its effective use of the Internet as a campaign tool, is again exploring how to break new ground -- this time through interactive campaign-themed video games. ... The games, on CDs or DVDs or posted on Ventura's Web site, would feature the former professional wrestler, presumably touting his political accomplishments and putting the heat on his opponents.
The Ventura game -- or collection of games -- would be entertaining, 100-percent political and distributed free to voters as campaign literature, he says. While the games are just in the talking stage, Madsen describes what might emerge as 'an ongoing political cartoon.' " CNN News story
"... Jesse Ventura may soon become more animated than ever."
from the Webmaster's Dad
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Top10 Ways to know if you are using a Redneck's Computer...
10. The monitor is up on little blocks.
9. Outgoing faxes have toebacky stains on them.
8. The six front keys have rotted out.
7. The extra RAM slots have Ford truck parts stored in them.
6. The numeric keypad only goes up to four.
5. Every password is "Bubba."
4. There's a gun rack mounted on the side of the computer.
3. There's a Skoal can used for your beverage coaster.
2. The keyboard is painted in camoflage.
AND the number 1 way to tell if a Redneck has been working on a computer is...
1. The mouse is referred to as the "critter."
from Jokesgalore
Working as a computer instructor for an adult-education program at a community college, I am keenly aware of the gap in computer knowledge between my younger and older students.
My observations were confirmed the day a new student walked into our library area and glanced at the encyclopedia volumes stacked on a bookshelf.
"What are all these books?" he asked.
Somewhat surprised, I replied that they were encyclopedias.
"Really?" he said. Someone printed out the whole thing?"
from Clean Laughs
"Snakes and Computers are a poor mix"
from www.krank.dk/
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Huge black holes that populated the early universe may have grown by mergers, scientists say, but the details of the process are not well known...
... Kind of like the whole Time-Warner/AOL deal...
from Comedy On Tap