A new shock film is set to debut -- a film which depicts the assassination of the world's richest man.
'Bill Gates was shot dead in Los Angeles on December 2, 1999. Police and city officials say a lone assassin - an African-American hell-bent on class war - was apprehended and killed immediately thereafter. But skeptical citizens band together to investigate the real truth behind the last great crime of the 20th century...'
Thus begins the controversial and eerily realistic faux documentary NOTHING SO STRANGE ..."
" 'The film isn't really about Bill Gates, though, and I have nothing against the man,' says director Brian Flemming. 'His murder is simply used at the start of the film to launch a story about class, race and corrupt government institutions.' "
"The real Bill Gates's only reaction to NOTHING SO STRANGE has been through a spokesperson: 'It's very disappointing that a movie maker would do something like this.' "
from the DRUDGE REPORT
"A security hole in AOL Time Warner's Instant Messenger program used by millions of people worldwide can let a hacker take full control of a victim's computer, according to security researchers and the company." New Hole in AOL Instant Messenger
"An AOL spokesman said the problem will be fixed soon, and users won't have to download anything."
But in the meantime, it's not helping the AOL jokes - security Away On Leave
Turn of the Century Hard Luck Story
from the webmaster's Dad
Director Steven Spielberg was in a minor accident while riding a scooter ..., resulting in a twisted knee. Spielberg will not require any surgery for the damage, but will wear a knee brace while the joint heals...
... Remember that scene in "E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial" with the bicycle flying past the moon? Just picture that in real life with an out of control scooter and a screaming Steven Spielberg...
from Comedy On Tap
A 21st Century Marriage
I stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up roses for my wife. As the clerk was putting the finishing touches on the bouquet, a young man burst through the door, breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses.
"I'm sorry," the clerk said. "This man just ordered our last bunch." The desperate customer turned to me and begged, "May I please have those roses?"
"What happened?" I asked. "Did you forget your wedding anniversary?"
"It's even worse than that," he confided. "I broke my wife's hard drive!"
from Jokes 4 U
from the webmaster's Dad
Jock or Geek?
Michael Jordan makes over $300,000 a game. That's $10,000 a minute, at an average 30 minutes per game. with $40 million in endorsements, he makes $178,100 a day, working or not. If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head. If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make $18,550 while he's there. If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it. He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage. He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends. If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours. If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second. He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed' $33,390 for that round. Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into a tax deferred account (401k), he will hit the federal cap of $9500 at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st. If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you'd be living comfortably at $65,000 a year. He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics. He'll make about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon. While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he'll pull in about $5600. This year, he'll make more than twice as much as all U.S. past presidents for all of their terms combined.
Amazing isn't it? HOWEVER, if Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 250 years, he'll still have less than Bill Gates has today.
Game over. Geek wins!
from Coffeebreak
Remember "The One Ring" from "Lord of the Rings?"
What if there was a modern equivalent - " The One Humvee "
from the Daily Illuminator
Is redemption a part of George Lucas' "Episode 2" Star Wars film? - click here
Now this has got to be the oddest idea for a spaceship. - by Mark Medes.
In the news - O.C. to Track Sex Criminals With GPS . These guys are planning to use satelite technology to keep an eye on parolled sex offenders.
With all those porno websites, they may wonder why some of these parollies keep hanging around the home computer.
In 1815 French chemist Michael Eugene Chevreul realized the first link between diabetes and sugar metabolism when he discovered that the urine of a diabetic was identical to grape sugar...
...It was also the first step in realizing he had WAY too much time on his hands. --(Isaac Asimov's BOOK OF FACTS)
from Clean Laffs
Burma-Shave sign slogans Those old-time roadside sign slogans come to the Internet.
In the news, there are plans to develop cloned chickens for massed production - News item
Never mind the Star Wars movie, for gene-altered food critics, this is the "Attack of the Clones."
Remember George Lucas' plans to include the boy band 'N Sync in Star Wars "Episode II?"
Well, thanks to public opinion, or rather, public outcry, the scene was dropped.
The Force, apparently, was not with N'Sync, but with the fans.
Geek Humor:
Spotted, somewhere in the Silicon Valley, a white T-shirt with the following text: ÊÊrm -f /bin/laden
Someone sent a reply: ÊKill Exec PID=laden
from "America's Mad as Hell" humor page
After nine seasons, "X-Files" is finally on it's way out. 'X-Files' wrapping in May after 9 seasons .
"Nine years in television years is a long time. We nurtured this show, it grew up, and now it's time to say goodbye."
The truth is, without Fox Mulder the show's chances were "out there."
While in Israel I found a great buy on a computer. It is a kosher computer, called a DELLSHALOM. It was selling at such a good price that...well... Mine arrived today. If you or a friend are considering a kosher computer, you should know that there were some important upgrades and changes from the typical computer you are used to, such as:
The cursor moves from right to left.
It comes with two hard drives-one for fleyshedik business software and one for milchedik games.
Instead of getting a "General Protection Fault" error, my PC now gets "Ferklempt."
The Chanukah screen savers include "Flying Dreidels".
The PC also shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings.
After my computer dies, I have to dispose of it within 24 hours.
The "Start" button has been replaced with a "Let's go! I'm not getting any younger!" button.
When disconnecting external devices from the back of my PC, I am instructed to "Remove the cable from the PC's tuchus".
The multimedia player has been renamed to "Nu, so play my music already!"
Internet Explorer has a spinning "Star of David" in the upper right corner.
I hear "Hava Nagila" during startup.
Microsoft Office now includes "A little byte of this, and a little byte of that."
When running "scandisk," it prompts with a "You want I should fix this?" message.
When my PC is working too hard, I occasionally hear a loud "Oy Gevalt!"
There is a "monitor cleaning solution" from Manischewitz that advertises that it gets rid of the "schmutz und drek" on your monitor.
After 20 minutes of no activity, my PC goes "Schloffen."
Computer viruses can now be cured with some matzo ball chicken soup.
The Y2K problem has been replaced by "Year 5760-5761" issues.
If you decide not to shut down the computer in the prescribed manner, the following message appears "You should be ashamed of yourself."
When Spellcheck finds an error it prompts "Is this the best you can do?"
from IB Laffing
Captain Kirk has lost his mind...
from Mike Taylor
Making money from websites not quite what it seems
from the webmaster's Dad
My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.
I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and so I asked why it was so long.
"Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."
from JokePro.com
Top Ten Changes to Cable Television Resulting from AOL Acquiring Time Warner
10. When you turn on your television, you'll hear "You've got Pay Per View".
9. There will be a mysterious 19-hour period where your cable just wonÕt work.
8. Test Patterns: Televisions equivalent to a busy signal.
7. Every once in a while you have to have your cable reinstalled.
6. 100 Free Trial Hours of Cable Access which you can't cancel, no matter how hard you try.
5. CIA: Cable Instant Alerter. Now all your friends will know when you are watching television.
4. Childproof features on cable will prevent you from receiving programs from undesirable sources, including ones you really do want to receive.
3. The cable repairman tells you to turn your TV off and back on again when you report your cable is on the fritz.... again.
2. Relatives in neighboring towns make fun of you because you don't have a "real" cable company like they do.
1. "You've been watching TV too long. Your connection has been terminated."
from Cofeebreak
"They laughed at Einstein. They laughed at the Wright Brothers.
But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown."
- Carl Sagan
from "The Jokeman"
Dear Consumas:
It has come ta our attention dat a coupola copies of the WINDOWS 98/ BROOKLYN EDITION may have accidentally bin shipped outsida Broooklyn.
If ya got one a dese, you may need some help understandin' da commands.
Da Brooklyn edition may be recognized by da unique openin' screen. It reads: "WINDAS 98," wit a background picture of Grand Army Plaza.
When you start da program, instead of da usual "harpy, stringy" music, you hear da teme from da Godfadda.
It is also shipped wit a Sopranos screen sava.
Please also note:
- Recycle Bin is labeled "Staten Island."
- My Computer is called "My Friggin' Computa."
- The Inbox is referred to as "Da Trunk."
- Deleted Items are referred to as "Wacked," "Erased," or "Rubbed Out."
- Dial up Networking is called "Da Bar."
- Control Panel is known as the "Da Bosses."
- Performin' an "illegal operation" is known as "enhancin' the family business" and will actually maximize da program instead of shuttin' it down.
- Hard Drive is referred to as "Da BQE Rush Hour."
- Instead of an error message a "You ain't gonna friggin' believe dis!" pops up.
CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN DA BROOKLYN EDITION:
OK...................Sure ting
Cancel...........Fugetaboutit
Reset.............Start Ova
Yes.................Yeah
No...................Nah
Find................Put a contract out on
Browse..........Get a looksee
Back...............U toin
Help................(Help ain't available - yous don't need no stinkin' help)
Stop.................Knock it off
Start.................Move it!
Settings..........Here's d' Rules
Also note dat any voice recognition software run on da BROOKLYN EDITION platform don't recognize da letter "R."
Some programs and udder accessories dat are exclusive to WINDAS 98:
Typa................A word processin' program
Printa...............Printer
Calculata..........Calculator
Solitare.............Seven Card Stud
We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy of da BROOKLYN EDITION. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.
from IB Laffing
The new Windows XP operating system by Microsoft will broaden usage of the company's products to cash registers, ATMs, and other similar machines...
... But remember - they don't have a monopoly...
from Comedy on Tap
Face-recognition technology is now being lined up for use in airports to uncover terrorists boarding flights...
... Unfortunately it also means that Michael Jackson, Cher, and Burt Reynolds will never be allowed on planes again...
from Comedy on Tap
Irrational Exuberance - not really much of a way to describe this, except it's really odd. - "Yatta" (note, takes a while to download)
from Lera
from the webmaster's Dad
Microserf Noun. One who pays to become enslaved to Microsoft.
Found on this link from Alqua Kalina about some problems with Microsoft XP that smack of corporate abuse.
"Where did I put that copy of Linux?"
[1] Turn on the Speakers and allow the page to load fully
[2] Stare at the Picture without laughing for 60 seconds
[3] If you start laughing consider yourself legally insane
from IBLaffing & friends in the Federation-Klingon Alliance
NASA issued a warning that peices of a falling satelite, the Extreme UltraViolet Explorer or EUVE, may survive it's plunge to Earth. - NASA issues alert on falling satellite debris
"The sky is falling."
A satelite fell to Earth with any remaining chunks falling into Egypt. The Extreme Ultraviolet Explorer, or EUVE, made it's firery descent on the night of Jan 30/31. NASA expected it to land in open ocean, possibly Brazil. Instead, it came down over Egypt - Satellite Debris in Egypt
If it had hit a pyramid, EUUUUUUUVE, what a mess.
