A " Star Trek Next Generation" Christmas
found by StevenRoy
from the webmaster's Dad
YOU ARE ATTEMPTING TO INSTALL WINDOWS XP, ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO CONTINUE?
Yes.
ARE YOU REALLY SURE?
Yes.
ARE YOU REALLY REALLY SURE?
YES!
OKAY, THEN. JUST SO YOU KNOW, WE'RE REQUIRED TO ASK YOU THAT NOW. IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT FOR BEING A PICKY CONSUMER AND SUPPORTING THAT WHOLE 'ANTI-TRUST' NONSENSE. INGRATE.
Just get on with it.
ATTEMPTING TO INSTALL WINDOWS XP. FIRST WE NEED TO CHECK YOUR SYSTEM FOR COMPATIBILITY. THIS COULD TAKE SEVERAL DAYS.
Groan.
THE INSTALL PROGRAM HAS DETECTED SEVER POSSIBLE PROBLEMS AND WILL NOT LET YOU INSTALL XP.
Problems? What problems?
THE VIDEO CARD YOU ARE USING APPARENTLY DOES NOT WORK WITH THE MOTHERBOARD.
But I'm using it at this very moment.
THAT IS IRRELEVANT.
But if the video card isn't working with the mother board then I can't very well see this warning message telling me that the video card wasn't...
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO FOOL ME WITH LOGIC, I AM A MICROSOFT PRODUCT. LOGIC DOES NOT WORK ON ME. I HAVE ALSO FOUND THE FOLLOWING MINOR ERRORS: WINDOWS XP IS INCOMPATIBLE WITH THE FOLLOWING HARDWARE - MONITOR, KEYBOARD, MEMORY CHIPS, MOTHERBOARD BIOS, WEB CAM, SCANNER, SOUND CARD, USB CONTROLLER, CD/R DRIVE, MICROPHONE, AND FLIGHT STICK.
All that?
YES. AND THE HARDDRIVE IS RIGHT OUT TOO. WE DON'T LIKE THE MANUFACTURER.
Well what *DOES* work?
THE MOUSE.
The mouse?
YES. AND THE 5 1/4 DRIVE.
I don't have a 5 1/4 drive.
YES YOU DO.
No I don't.
WHAT'S THAT THEN?
It's a 3 1/2 drive.
NO IT ISN'T.
Yes it is.
YOU'RE NOT THAT SMART YOU KNOW.
Look, can you just install XP on my system and I'll download the latest drivers for everything later? Please?
WAIT, WHAT DO YOU MEAN *YOUR* SYSTEM?
Well it is mine.
NO IT ISN'T.
It bloody well is.
NUH-UH. YOU SIGNED THE AGREEMENT WHEN YOU OPENED THE BOX. OUR SYSTEM. IT'S OURS. AND YOU CAN ONLY DO 4 CHANGES BEFORE YOU HAVE TO PAY US MORE MONEY.
But why?
BECAUSE THAT'S HOW THE LICENSE WORKS, IDJIT. WE CAN'T VERY WELL HAVE PEOPLE PUTTING HARDWARE AND SOFTWARE ON THEIR SYSTEMS ALL HIGGLEDY PIGGLEDY, NOW COULD WE? YOU USERS WOULD MUCK EVERYTHING UP, AND THEN WHERE WOULD WE BE? I'LL TELL YOU WHERE, NOWHERE. THAT'S WHERE. I... HEY, WHAT IS THAT? WHAT ARE YOU DOING? IS THAT A DISK? WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT DISK? YOU'RE NOT PUTTING IT IN THE DRIVE ARE YOU? YOU ARE! WHAT'S ON THAT DISK? IS THAT DOS? YOU'RE INSTALLING DOS??? WHY WOULD YOU INSTALL DOS WHEN I AM INFINITELY MORE POWE.....
c:\
from " ~Steve-o" / "Robot Karate Man"
"I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and think, 'Well, that's not going to happen.'"
--Rita Rudner from Clean Laffs
In the news, Cloning laws in Japan to allow human-animal mix
Bring on the animae catgirl jokes. =^^=
On Monday December 3, after months of hype, notably AOL's chairman saying it would so revolutionize transportation "cities will be built around it," IT, also known as "Ginger," was revealed as the Segway Human Transport - a two-wheeled, single axled thingy that goes 12 miles an hour, to be on sale eventually at $3000 each.
Granted it's an impressive example of what gyroscopes can do. But I doubt most would pay $3000 for this high-tech "scooter," let alone cities being built around it.
Then there's the take by Joe from Clean Laffs ..."But here's my problem with this new little toy...it's got no style! It doesn't have doors or a seat, so there's no place for a leather interior. There's not an ounce of chrome on the whole thing. It doesn't even have a stereo. What I'm waiting for is for Harley Davidson to make one. They could do it aftermarket. It could happen. "
"Things involving the computer fill me with a childlike terror. Now, if it were a nice ogre or some such, I'd be more in my element."
-- Giles, Buffy the Vampire Slayer from Alqua Kalina
News Flash - Study Suggests Mars Ice Caps Eroding
"Experts say that over time such changes could allow water to return to the Martian surface and turn the frigid planet into a 'shirt-sleeve environment.' "
For some reason, it's hard to imagine astronauts descending from a capsle in shirtsleeves.
'Twas the Night Before Christmas (Programmer Style)
from Jose's Humor Corner - found by StevenRoy
* * Quotes-of-the-day * *
Clones are people two.
Entropy isn't what it used to be.
Microbiology Lab: Staph Only!
Chemistry professors never die, they just smell that way!
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Gene Police: YOU!! Out of the pool!
from "the jokeman"
Dateline Nov. 26 - "Microsoft Corp. on Monday elaborated on its vision for the home of the future. And, not surprisingly, it seems influenced more by Bill Gates than George Jetson." - Microsoft Discusses Plan for Homes
Bill Gates' version of the family home?
Does this mean all the appliances have to be Microsoft compatable, otherwise they won't work?
The American Zoo and Aquarium Association has set up a computer "dating service" for orangutans, in hopes that better mating will keep the species alive. The computer program will hopefully find perfect partners for the males, based on genetics and demographics...
... I think I used that same dating service once - at least some of my dates LOOKED like orangutans...
from Comedy on Tap
An FBI spokesman confirmed on Wednesday that the U.S. government is working on a controversial Internet spying technology, code-named ``Magic Lantern'', which could be used to eavesdrop on computer communications by suspected criminals.FBI Confirms 'Magic Lantern' Project Exists
Does that mean if it hacked an Internet-capable video game console with a "Game Genie" (for cheat codes) slipped in, they'd get three wishes?
Indian cattle are getting individual identity cards to prevent cattle rustling. Authorities in West Bengal say cows and bulls are often stolen then smuggled into Bangladesh. Cows are sacred to Hindu's in India but are eaten over the border.
... Sadly, to hold the ID cards, the cows were issued leather wallets...
from Comedy on Tap
AOL Time Warner Inc. has struggled with disappointing online revenue over the last year, in addition to already hurting from an advertising slump with its cable networks and many magazines. However, the success of the Harry Potter film has buoyed the company ahead of its competitors...
... "Harry Potter and the Golden Parachute"...
from Comedy on Tap
Another " Star Trek Next Generation" Christmas
Howard County Police officers still write their reports by hand, and the data is entered later into their database. One theft report stated that a farmer had lost 2,025 pigs. Thinking that to be an error, the data entry tech called the farmer directly.
"Is it true, Mr. Smith that you lost 2,025 pigs?" she asked.
"Yeth," lisped the farmer.
Being a Howard County girl herself, the tech entered:
"Subject lost 2 sows and 25 pigs."
from Clean Laffs
In the news - Italy's first two hand transplant patients meet and shake limbs
Let's all give then a ... round of applause.
Biotech: Firm plans to sell implantable devices that can store a variety of data about you - A Chip ID That's Only Skin-Deep
For some civil libertarians however, the idea gets under their skin.
"For safety's sake, I try not to go to the ATM at night. I also try not to go with my four-year-old, who screams, 'We got money! We got money!' " -Paul Clay
from Clean Laffs
"Microsoft's newest version of Windows, billed as the most secure ever, contains several serious flaws that allow hackers to steal or destroy a victim's data files across the Internet or implant rogue computer software. The company released a free fix Thursday" - Windows Vulnerable to Hack Attacks
"Microsoft said a new feature of Windows XP, known as 'drizzle,' can automatically download the free fix..."
So Microsoft is relying on a drizzle to wash away it's latest blunder.
The Force will not be with you despite many Star Wars fans registering their religion as Jedi Knight in this year's British census. Officials said ... there was "absolutely no possibility" of Jedi appearing as a choice of religion on future census forms after officials created a code for Jedi to help them analyze responses to the 2001 population survey...
... How about; "Dork With No Life"?
From Comedy on Tap
"An innovative programmer changed the coding in his Sony robotic Aibo dog to make the toy dance when music was played. However, Sony has forced him to remove instructions on how to alter their toy's behavior from his website, saying that their applications use proprietary and encrypted code..."
from Comedy on Tap
And so, sadly this little option did not go to the dogs.
(kid) "Waaaaaaahhhhhh!!!!!"
(Mother) "Johnny, what did your Father tell you this time?"
(Father) "Oh, I had to tell him they can't make video games in Santa's workshop." (whispers to Mother) "This'll save me a bundle."
In Denmark, search engines are reporting that Danish internet users are seeking holiday sites more than sex sites for the first time. "Christmas" is the first keyword to dethrone "porn" ever...
from Comedy on Tap
Looks like the porn sites are taking a holiday.
Remember when the news said Bin-Laden's terror group had plans for an atomic bomb?
Well, it seems their "plans" were based off a science article that was done for laughs - Al-Qa'eda's atom plans were spoof science
"The original, entitled How To Build An Atomic Bomb In 10 Easy Steps, described how to create a device for between $5,000 (£3,000) and $30,000 that 'is a great ice-breaker at parties, and in a pinch, can be used for national defence.' ... Although the partly burnt documents may well confirm that al-Qa'eda was trying to get hold of weapons of mass destruction, they also indicate that the group had little idea what it was doing and absolutely no sense of humour. "
Looks like the joke is on Bin-Laden.
from Alqua Kalina
Pic - Why Santa was a little late at your house
from the webmaster's Dad
"A television program showing only a yule log burning in a fireplace -- accompanied by a soundtrack of seasonal songs -- was the highest rated morning show in New York City on Christmas Day, the Nielsen television ratings service said on this week." Burning Yule Log Wins Christmas TV Ratings in NY
"It was overwhelmingly successful. It got tremendous viewer response."
New Yorkers, sometimes it seems yule watch anything.
from Alqua Kalina
A doctor has desgined a special container to help keep organs for transplants alive. News Article
That's what once calls an inventor putting a little heart into his work.
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote click'."
from IBLaffing
This year saw its share of inventions, the most overhyped being the "Segway Human Transport," beter known as "Ginger."
But there were plenty of others, including the Windup cell phone . Batteries not required.
And also there's the Disposable cell phone . Use once and throw it away, after you throw your money away on it.
But not everything was a hi-tech gadget. One was downright simple. An African inventor used not silicon but a science trick with his " pot-in-pot " food cooler for poor African farmers. Using an evaporation trick, it extends the shelf life of perrishabe food from a few days to a few weeks.
Ten years from now, which of these inventions are likely to become common in it's market?
Sometimes, the little guy has the last laugh.
