"Ugh! - No I didn't make it up."
Why didn't Sisko come back to Starfleet at the end of DS9?
He realized it was a non-prophet organization.
from Joe "Mankind" Smith
"So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we'll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll come work for you.' And they said, 'No.' So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, 'Hey, we don't need you. You haven't got through college yet.'"
- Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and H-P interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal computer.
Rodney Lee's Lame Jokes
Wyoming Gov. Jim Geringer is urging Congress to allow states to tax e-commerce. The federal ban on states taxing the Internet is due to expire in October...
... The joke here is that what these guys REALLY want is for the Internet to go away.
from Comedy on Tap
Recently, liberal political cartoonist Garry Trudeau did a Sunday strip of his serialized " Doonesbury " in which Bush is described as having a below-average IQ of 91, half that of Bill Clinton's 182.
It turns out, however, that Trudeau was basing his "facts" off an Internet hoax/urban legend , a political jibe done against Bush (and other Republicans).
Right now, this doesn't make Trudeau's IQ look good.
Once I worked as an operator on an old IBM 370/Model 138 mainframe at a local college. My position had been reclass- ified to fall into a new area outside of the I/S staff. One day, my new supervisor entered the room and stared at the air conditioning unit directly behind me. He studied the two flashing lights for a few moments and asked what job it was currently processing.
I killed my career by replying, "Actually, sir, it's cooling the room. The computer is over here."
from Clean Laffs
Thousands of a major bank's customers got nothing for their efforts but frustration and still-empty pockets after the bank's nationwide network of 2,000 ATMs crashed on September 4rth - News item
In this case, ATM stood for "Absent The Money."
"Stephen Hawking, the acclaimed scientist and writer, reignited the debate over genetic engineering yesterday by recommending that humans change their DNA through genetic modification to keep ahead of advances in computer technology and stop intelligent machines from 'taking over the world' " - Alter our DNA or robots will take over, warns Hawking
If they were truly intelligent machines, would they really want to take over this world?
"Scientists in Colorado are organising a 'meteorite posse' to hunt for the space debris that caused a dazzling fireball last month - Posse to hunt for fallen meteor
"Get along , little rocky."
"Their holidays promise to be out of this world: one of Japan's largest travel agencies has formed a new branch dedicated to developing and marketing space travel. Kinki Nippon Tourist estimates that as many as 5m people a year could be blasted into space by 2030 in a global industry that could be worth as much as £70 billion. " - Japan gears up for space tourism
So are these guys' spacesuits going to be colored like cheap Haiwaiian shirts?
Computer Camp
Dear Mr. Johnson:
Ann Landers wouldn't print this. I have nowhere else to turn. I have to get the word out. Warn other parents. I must be rambling on. Let me try and explain.
It's about my son, Billy. He's always been a good, normal 10 year old boy. Well, last spring we sat down after dinner to select a summer camp for Billy.
We sorted through the camp brochures. There were the usual camps with swimming, canoeing, games, singing by the campfire -- you know. There were sports camps and specialty camps for weight reduction, music, military camps and camps that specialized in Tibetan knot tying.
I tried to talk him into Camp Winnepoopoo. It's where he went last year. Billy would have none of it. Billy pulled a brochure out of his pocket. It was for a COMPUTER CAMP! We should have put our foot down right there, if only we had known. He left three weeks ago.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAS HAPPENED. He's changed. I can't explain it. See for yourself.
These are some of my little Billy's letters:
-----------------------------------
Letter # 1
----------
The kids are dorky nerds. The food stinks. The computers are the only good part. We're learning how to program. Late at night is the best time to program, so they let us stay up.
Love, Billy.
Letter # 2
-------------
Dear Mom,
Camp is O.K. Last night we had pizza in the middle of the night. We all get to choose what we want to drink.
By the way, can you make Szechwan food? I'm getting used to it now. Gotta go, it's time for the flowchart class.
Love, Billy.
P.S. This is written on a word processor. Pretty swell, huh? It's spell checked too.
Letter # 3
-------------
Dear Mom,
Don't worry. We do regular camp stuff. We told ghost stories by the glow of the green computer screens. It was real neat. I don't have much of a tan cause we don't go outside very often. You can't see the computer screen in the sunlight anyway. That wimp camp I went to last year fed us weird food too. Lay off, Mom. I'm okay, really.
Love, Billy.
Letter # 4
-------------
Dear Mom,
I'm fine. I'm sleeping enough. I'm eating enough. This is the best camp ever. We scared the counselor with some phony worm code. It was real funny. He got mad and yelled.
Can you send more money? I've got to chip in on the phone bill.
Did you know that you can talk to people on a computer? Give my regards to Dad.
Love, Billy.
..............................
Letter # 5
-------------
Dear Mother,
Forget the money for the telephone. We've got a way to not pay. Sorry I haven't written. I've been learning a lot. I'm real good at getting onto any computer in the country. It's really easy! I got into the university's in less than fifteen minutes. Frederick did it in five, he's going to show me how. Frederick is my bunk partner. He's really smart. He says that I shouldn't call myself Billy anymore. So, I'm not.
Signed, William.
Letter # 6
-------------
Dear Mother,
How nice of you to come up on Parents Day. Why'd you get so upset? I haven't gained that much weight. The glasses aren't real. Everybody wears them. I was trying to fit in. Believe me, the tape on them is cool. I thought that you'd be proud of my program. After all, I've made some money on it. A publisher is sending a check for $30,000. Anyway, I've paid for the next six weeks of camp. I won't be home until late August.
Regards, William.
Letter # 7
-------------
Mother,
Stop treating me like a child. True -- physically I am only ten years old. It was silly of you to try to kidnap me. Do not try again. Remember, I can make your life miserable (i.e. - the bank, credit bureau, and government computers). I am not kidding. O.K.?
I won't write again and this is your only warning. The emotions of this interpersonal communication drain me.
Sincerely, William.
What can I do, Mr. Johnson?
See what I mean? It's been two weeks since I've heard from my little boy. I know that it's probably too late to save my little Billy. But, if by printing these letters you can save JUST ONE CHILD from a life of programming, please, I beg of you to do so. Thank you very much.
Sally Gates,
Concerned Parent
contributed by Kathy, author unknown
Bin-Laden Humor - Games and jokes poking fun at "The Evildoer."
"To err is human. To really foul things up requires a computer."
Philip Howard (Clean Laffs)
contributed by Alqua Kalina
Trip to the Sun
A redhead, brunette, and blonde were talking about space travel. They started talking about which planet they'd go to if they could travel in space. The redhead said, "I'd go to Mars, because it is red, like my hair."
Then the brunette, not to be outdone, said, "Well, I'd go to Saturn, because it's got all those groovy rings."
Finally, the blonde spoke up. She said, "I'd go to the Sun, where I could work on my tan."
The redhead and the brunette laughed. The redhead said, "Number one, the sun is not a planet."
"And number two," the brunette finished, "you'd burn up."
The blonde said, "Well, duh! I'd go at night!!!"
"For Christmas I bought my brother a combination fax machine and paper shredder.
Either we hooked it up wrong or a lot of people are faxing him confetti."
- Anthony Clarke, Clean Laffs
Extraterrestaurant (n.) An eating place where you feel you've been abducted and experimented upon. Also known as an E-T-ry.
from IB Laffing
Microsoft Corp. has appealed to the Supreme Court, in an effort to overturn a ruling that the software giant is an illegal monopoly that has harmed consumers and stifled competition...
... How sweetly ironic is it that THEY can get shut down by an illegal operation now - that happens to my computer every ten minutes...
from Comedy on Tap
"What follows is my story about a shed, a warm beer and a home made jet engine." the world's first jet powered beer cooler .
This isn't much of a joke, but it may leave some people wondering.
Recently, there's been what's supposedly part of a quatrain from Nostradamus, predicting of "two brothers torn apart by chaos" and "the third big war will begin when the big city is burning."
Turns out the words were not written by Nostradamus, but by a Canadian college student spoofing him to show how easily the prophecies are misinterpereted.
I predict some reading this are feeling a little dumb.
based on an article in the Virginian Pilot by Vandana Sinha
Are you qualified to surf the net? Take the test, and get your free Surfer's Certificate! INTERNET EYE TEST
from Coffeebreak
"The idea behind Paint the Moon is to organize millions of people in North America to try and shine their laser pointers on one area of the moon at one time, to see if we can create a temporary visible field of color on our nearest celestial neighbor." Paint the Moon
"You've heard of painting the town red? Well, these folks are going to paint the moon red!"
from Coffeebreak
Microsoft Corp. has appealed to the Supreme Court, in an effort to overturn a ruling that the software giant is an illegal monopoly that has harmed consumers and stifled competition...
... How sweetly ironic is it that THEY can get shut down by an illegal operation now - that happens to my computer every ten minutes...
from Comedy on Tap
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered Êthat Êballpoint pens would not work in 0 gravity. To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes >in zero Êgravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at Êtemperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300C.
The Russians used a pencil.
from William J Lee.
MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
from Clean Laffs