2001 - Duuuun, duuuuuuun, duuuuuuuuuuuuun, DA-DU- Hey, this space station doesn't look like a wheel. And where's the Moon base? Where's - Oh cool! You say this is called the 'Internet?'
Resolutions For Internet Junkies
*I will try to figure out why I "really" need 12 e-mail addresses.
*I will stop sending e-mail to my wife (husband). A phone call every now and then would be appreciated.
*I resolve to work with neglected children -- my own.
*I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm with which I answer my e-mail.
*I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.
*I resolve to back up my 12GB hard drive daily...
well, once a week...okay, monthly then...or maybe... at least once a year.
*I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet - This, of course, will be hard to estimate since I'm not a clock watcher.
*I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning... 4:30 is much more practical since my friends overseas already had time to answer me by then.
*When I hear a funny joke, I will not reply, "LOL... LOL!"
*I will read the manual... just as soon as I can find it.
*I will think of a password other than "password."
*I resolve... I resolve to... I resolve to, uh... I resolve to, uh, get my, er...
I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done, too!
from Jokes4U
One more Millenial joke:The Minus Y2K problem in Ancient Egypt
from Coffeebreak
Leaning forward in his wheelchair, the 83-year-old man speaks deadpan into the tape recorder: "Testing one, two, three. Testing. This is not Arthur Clarke, this is his clone."
As is so often the case with the grand old man of science fiction, it's a fantasy that might well be a reality in the years to come. A Houston-based company called Encounter 2001 has six strands from his thin gray hair and wants to launch Clarke DNA into space.
"One day, some super civilization may encounter this relic from the vanished species and I may exist in another time," he muses. "Move over, Stephen King."
Excerpt from an interview in Associated Press
Where's that global warning when we need it?
"Now we see what happens when misguided scientists tamper with our ozone layer. We need that hole in the ozone layer to provide warmer winters and lower fuel bills. Now we have to spew out tons of pollution to heat our homes when all we had to do was leave well enough alone.
"A call on all Americans to disconnect the emission equipment on their vehicles, use lots of CFC aerosols, spew freon in the atmosphere.
"Don't let these people take our global warming away. I'm cold, and I'm not gonna take it anymore."
Letter to the Editor of the Virginian Pilot - published after the Tidewater region in Virginia endured about 2 weeks of freezing temperatures almost 20 degrees below normal.
While the ozone layer has nothing to do with global warming, it's still hilarious.
With "pets.com" folding in November 7, it's become a "dog eat dot-com world"
-quote from WIRED News.
Customer: I'm trying to connect to the Internet with your CD, but it just doesn't work. What am I doing wrong?
Tech sup: OK, you've got the CD in the CD drive, right?
Customer: Yeah....
Tech sup: And what sort of computer are you using?
Customer: Computer? Oh no, I haven't got a computer. It's in the CD player and all I get is weird noises. Listen.....
Tech sup: Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!!!
from Jokeseveryday
1999
Where is the time I used to have
to accomplish all my tasks?
It seems to go so quickly,
it's vanished in a flash.
The tools I use to speed my chores
are working in reverse,
the more I use to help me cope
the more they make things worse.
These days of modern marvels
they're driving me insane,
to get along in this new age
is giving me a pain.
How I long for the 'good old days'
when things were done by hand,
this bread machine may speed things up
but the bread is sort of bland.
And as for these computers,
they make me want to scream!
what's happened to pen and paper?
It's vanished like a dream.
Maybe in a hundred years
generations who come next
will find these gadgets easy
and won't become so vexed.
But as for me- I struggle
my brain- it's overloaded -
I'd like to toss this stuff away
but I think I've been out voted!
from "Coffeebreak"
Robbers make off with ATM
RALEIGH, N.C. - These crooks don't just rob from automated teller machines - they steal the ATMs themselves.
Police believe the same culprits stole one privately owned cash machine early Christmas morning, then six minutes later tried to take another one two miles away.
The first incident occurred at 3:46 a.m. Monday at the Citgo Eagle Foodmart, in Raleigh. The second incident occurred at 3:52 a.m. at another Citgo outside the city limits.
The same culprits are suspected in a third ATM theft, Dec. 13 at a Citgo Starmart. That machine had $1,500 cash in it.
In each case, the front door of the store was smashed, the ATMs yanked from where they were bolted to the concrete floor and dragged toward the door. The machine stolen Monday weighs about 260 pounds, according to the owner.
Raleigh police and the Wake County sheriff's office are investigating the thefts.
A surveillance tape at the Burlington Mills Citgo shows a pickup truck pulling up to the front door and at least two men pushing the ATM around the store and checking the cash-register drawer before leaving. The theft lasted three minutes.
By OREN DORELL
Raleigh News & Observer
December 28, 2000
Rules about the cats & the computer, revised:
Version 1: Cats will not play on the desk.
Version 2: Cats will not play on the desk near the computer.
Version 3: Cats are forbidden to walk on the computer keyboard on the desk when the human is using it.
Version 4: Cats will not CJDJBEFUBEDBVKJB KNCX ZXMNLJN!
from free4all.com
"My family says I'm obsessed with the Internet.
If they don't get off my back, I'm taking them off my buddy list."
from Kathy
United States legislature allows for a wide variety of strange laws from states, counties and towns eager to preserve their identity. Some appear more than a little superfluous, such as the edict from the City Council of CHICO, CALIFORNIA, banning nuclear weapons:
Anyone caught detonating a nuclear device within the city limits could face a fine of up to $500.
found on "Coffebreak"
This inspires the question of how this particular town law would be enforced should the crime be commited.
Computerspeak or Crime & Law:
Computer crime in which the perpetrator secretly uses the computer to perform an illegal act in several small increments (like slices of salami)
"The pennies Swit had been siphoning from each employee's pension fund had begun to add up, but his year-long salami attack was finally uncovered by programmers."
Source: 21st Century Dictionary of Slang
found on "Coffebreak"
The JapaneseÉ have numbers that mean good luck, wealth, bankruptcy, and death. This fact complicates the Japanese telephone system.
Edward T. Hall
Subject: Dilbert in the Real World
A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers. Here are the twelve finalists:
1. As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp in Redmond,WA.)
2. What I need is a specific list of the unknown problems which we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping)
3. E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business. (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)
4. This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)
5. Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them. (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)
6. My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected. (CIO of Dell Computers)
7. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)
8. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday, Valentine's Day. When I told my Boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)
9. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)
10. We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)
11. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards.)
12. As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo one of the sentences I mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director's office, and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for "perverts" working in her company. Finally, he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired and the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later, a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)
contributed by Virginia, originaly from billandmarthamahan@prodigy.net
to restart Windows.
Contributed by Kathy
Q: How many database people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three: One to write the light bulb removal program, one to write the light bulb insertion program, and one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time.
from Jokes4U
Comprehending Engineers - Take One
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, Take what you want."
"The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
Comprehending Engineers - Take Two
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Comprehending Engineers -Take Three
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"
"The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him."
"Hi John. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
Comprehending Engineers -Take Four
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines.
They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.
The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is".
The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.
The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.
The engineer responded briefly: One chalk mark $1; Knowing where to put it $49,999.
It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.
Comprehending Engineers -Take Five
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons;
Civil Engineers build targets.
Comprehending Engineers -Take Six
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
Comprehending Engineers -Take Seven
"Normal people ... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet."
Comprehending Engineers -Take Eight
An architect, an artist, and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.
The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?"
Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."
Comprehending Engineers - Take Nine
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."
Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a TALKING frog, now that's cool."
contributed by Kathy
The California brownouts affect the people there in many ways ...
:::teen playing a computer game::: "Allright! Just a few more hits, and I win!"
:::power goes out, and the computer game goes dead:::
"NOOOOOooooo..... "
After several of these brownouts ...
:::Computer Game Company CEO::: "What do you mean our California sales are dropping like a rock?"
Somewhere in Cailfornia, early 2001 ...
"Hey Fred, if these blackouts keep going on, the food in my fridge's going to spoil and the supermarket's closed. How are you handling it?"
"Remember all that canned food you stocked up for the Y2K disaster that never came, and I agreed to take it off your hands at ten cents on the dollar?"
"Yeah I rem- ... Oh my, Aaaarrrrrgghh!! "
"I'm willing to part with some cans of lima beans, ten bucks apeice."
Swedish business consultant Ulfaf Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.
from Kathy
Scale Sarcasm
The bathroom scale manufacturer was very proud of the new model being introduced at the trade fair. "Listen to these features: it's calibrated to one-one-hundredth of a pound; it can measure your height as well, in feet or meters; it gives you a readout via an LED or human-voice simulator; and that's not all..."
"Very impressive," interrupted a none-too-slender sales rep for a chain of home furnishings stores, "but before I place an order I'll have to try it out."
"Be my guest," said the manufacturer graciously.
No sooner had the sales rep taken his place on the scale than a loud, very human-sounding voice issued forth: "One at a time, please, one at a time!"
from "Coffeebreak"