Disco here, and dis-go-there: disco dancer
"I heard about a car in South Africa than runs on air." (news article)
"Neat! What a gas."
Ninety-eight percent of the adults in the country are decent, hard-working, honest Americans. It's the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then -- we elected them.
from Jim Poole
On Election Day 2000, a Republican website was struck by hackers, whom left a "vote Gore" message.
With all the talk about the "swing-state vote" and the "senior citizen vote," guess the "hacker vote" didn't want to be ignored.
With poll after poll consistently showing a small lead for Bush, it was a surprise that the election got as close as it did.
Guess the Joke of the Day is the pollsters' predictions.
With all eyes on Florida with it's electoral recount, attention has turned to Palm Beach county and it's "butterfly" voting ballot which has generated complaints that it was hard to read and led voters to punch in Buchanan when they wanted Gore. Buchanan has done better here than in other counties in the region, and 19,000, much more than Bush's razor-thin statewide lead, were thrown out due to being punched twice or not at all. Obviously, the butterfly ballots didn't "fly" well with Democrats.
Irronically enough, the county election supervisor who designed these ballots did so to make them "easier to read." And now the kicker, she's of the Democratic Party.
Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low earth orbit? They called it the herd shot 'round the world.
from Coffeebreak
Doctor Videogame
Many a parent has looked at his or her child playing computer games and been driven into a state of despair by the thought that the brat will never amount to anything other than a slayer of imaginary dragons or a defender of the Earth against the massed hordes of evil. Such parents need worry no longer. In January the Digipen Institute Of Technology in Washington opened its doors to students wishing to gain a degree in video game technology. The course, which cost just $11,000 a year, is already over-subscribed to the tune of ten applicants for every place on offer, despite the fact that applicants do actually need a knowledge of computer languages.
Source: Best Book of Bizarre-But-True Stories Ever!
from Coffeebreak
Computer School Graduates
A woman hired a contractor to repaint the interior of her house. As they walked through the second floor she told him what colors she wanted for each room.
In the first room, the woman said, "I think I would like this in a cream color."
The contractor wrote the color on his clipboard then walked to the window, opened it and yelled out, "Green side up!" Then he closed the window and followed the woman to the next room where the scene was repeated.
The woman said, "I was thinking of an off blue in here."
The contractor wrote it down, then walked to the window and yelled out again, "Green side up!"
In the next room, which the woman said she would like painted in a light rose color, it happened again.
He wrote the color down, opened the window and yelled, "Green side up!"
Struck with curiosity, the woman mustered up the nerve to ask, "Why do you keep yelling 'Green side up' out my window every time I tell you the color I would like the room painted?"
The contractor replied, "Because I've got a crew of computer school graduates laying sod for me at the house across the street, and they can't seem to do anything right if it doesn't have a keyboard connected to it!"
from Coffeebreak
This election recount business seems to have brought in a whole new series of slang terms related to the ballot cards. The paper filling the punchhole areas is called "chad," for instance. Punchhole areas that are struck but not punched through, leaving a dimple, are called "pregnant chad."
Hey guys, what are you counting: votes or spawning fish?
At last, a Hands-free cell phone
Submitted By: Bob & Deborah (Jokes4U)
Contributed by C. B. Lee
The Internet is getting a new batch of domain names, approved November 16, 2000. Among the five is .coop , which is intended for business co-operatives.
Eventually, somebody such as Perdue or KFC is going to come up with chicken.coop
Teen1 "Motzart died peniless."
Teen2 "Bummer. Was everyone gettin' his tunes off Napster?"
(captions from Mike Luckovich cartoon)
from Jokes4U
Lottery Winning Numbers
Florida Lottery Commission
State Capitol Building
Tallahassee, FL
Dear Sirs:
On Friday, November 3, 2000, I picked the numbers 7-38-18-41-3-30.Ê Saturday night when the numbers were announced I found that the numbers I picked were selected, however when I checked my lottery ticket I found that I must have marked the wrong numbers by mistake because my lottery ticket indicated the wrong numbers. The card that I marked to be read by the computer is hard to read and it is easy to mark the wrong column.
IÊ know that you will honor my request that I will be considered the winner because I selected the right number and just made a small mistake.
If you won't pay me for intending to mark the winning numbers, I want to have you to declare a recount of the Nov 4th Lottery and allow me to select the numbers that came up on the 4th.
Respectfully,
Shirley Lotz
West Palm Beach, Florida
from http://www.dovewinds.com/dubya/moredubya.html
Pyramid Power, or Pyramid Scheme?
From the "Daily Illuminator"
Remember when Bill Gates got hit in the face by a pie by an anominous critic?
No one ever bothered to ask if the pie was "apple."
Special thanks to Amber Biliouris
Sometime around midday last Wednesday, November 15, an as-yet- unidentified Download.com visitor innocently clicked a Download Now link, thereby vaulting us over the ten-digit mark made famous by the McDonald's corporation. Yep, more than 1 billion downloads served.
Now who wants fries with that?
from CNET Download.com Contributed by Virginia McCluney
In a recent news article , a monkey was made to control a robot arm mounted on it.
Guess one can call it monkeying around with robotics.
found on the Daily Illuminator
21st Century Election Law
Witness, all you who have watched, read, listened and tried to understand the history that is being made in this election. We are watching the birth of new legal principles in election law. Here is a summary of the new articles of 21st century election law.
1. Voting when dead constitutes election fraud; however running for office and winning when dead shall be allowed, and encouraged.
2. Voting districts that are predominantly Democratic in registration shall be classified as Òfunctionally challenged voterÓ districts. Such districts shall receive special accommodations, to include, but not limited to, individual balloting coaches available and selected by the functionally challenged voters. Party affiliation of each balloting coach shall be determined by the party affiliation of the corresponding functionally challenged voter.
3. Election automation, whether mechanical or electronic, shall be abolished. Paper ballots shall be used to preserve a record of the will, intent and mood of each voter.
4. Paper ballots shall be counted only by manual means. Each ballot shall be subjected to interpretive analysis by a bipartisan team. Such analysis shall determine the will, intent and mood of each voter, as reflected on the ballot, taking into account external influencing factors, and providing for accommodations for functionally challenged voters. The results of each interpretive analysis shall be recorded along with the ballot to support future legal challenges.
5. Legal actions by functionally challenged voters shall be admitted as prima facie evidence of election irregularities. The burden of proof to refute the presumption of irregularities falls on the State.
6. The will of the people shall no longer be presumed to be expressed in the written law. Henceforth, the will of the people shall be determined by interviews of functionally challenged voters. Such interviews shall be conducted only by lawyers and respected members of the media.
7. Results of all elections shall be controlled by the will of the people, as defined in article six, above. Written election law shall not control.
contributed by Kathy
If Computer Error Messages Were Haikus
First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
so beautifully.
With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.
Three things are certain:
death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
A file that big?
It might be very useful,
but now it is gone.
Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
Errors have occurred.
We won't tell you where or why.
Lazy programmers.
The code was willing.
It considered your request,
but the chips were weak.
Printer not ready.
Could be a fatal error.
Have a pen handy?
This site has been moved.
We'd tell you where, but then we'd
have to delete you.
ABORTED effort:
Close all that you have.
You ask way too much.
The Web site you seek
cannot be located but
endless others exist.
A crash reduces
your expensive computer
to a simple stone.
Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.
Having been erased,
the document you're seeking
must now be retyped.
Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
from CoffeeBreak, submitted by reader Eric
What If Dr. Seuss Wrote Computer Tech Manuals?
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icons put your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash!
If the label on your cable on the gable at your house,
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.
And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!
When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risk,
Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM,
Quickly turn off your computer and be sure to tell your mom!
from Jokes4U
Here's something everyone should probably be aware of. You may remember that on July 8, 1947, witnesses claim a spaceship with five aliens aboard crashed on a sheep-and-cattle ranch outside Roswell, New Mexico. This is an incident, of course, that many say has been covered up by the government.
However, you may not know that on March 31, 1948, exactly nine months after that day, Al Gore was born.
from the webmaster's Dad