*IDIOTS IN SERVICE*
This week, all our phones went dead and I had to call the phone repair people. They promised to be out between 8 a.m. and 7 p.m. When I asked if they could give me a smaller time window, he asked and I quote, "Would you like us to call before we come?" He also requested that we report future outages by email.
Does YOUR email work without a telephone line??????
From Kathy Dragoo
from jokeseveryday
I thought filing my taxes electronically would speed things up? It did. I got an audit letter in half the normal time!
from Jim Poole
from Jokeseveryday
The 10 Commandments of Email
1: Thou shalt include a clear and specific subject line.
2: Thou shalt edit any quoted text down to the minimum thou needest.
3: Thou shalt read thine own message thrice before thou sendest it.
4: Thou shalt ponder how thy recipient might react to thy message.
5: Thou shalt check thy spelling and thy grammar.
6: Thou shalt not curse, flame, spam or USE ALL CAPS.
7: Thou shalt not forward any chain letter.
8: Thou shalt not use e-mail for any illegal or unethical purpose.
9: Thou shalt not rely on the privacy of e-mail, especially from work.
10: When in doubt, save thy message overnight and reread it in the light of the dawn.
And, here's the "Golden Rule" of E-Mail:
That which thou findest hateful to receive, sendest thou not unto others.
from Jokeseveryday & "MsKitty"
If Rednecks Had Created Microsoft:
Their #1 product would be "Mikersoft Winders."
Instead of an hourglass icon, you'd get an empty beer bottle.
Occasionally, you would bring up a winder (window) that was covered with a Hefty bag and some duct tape.
Dialog boxes would give you the choice of "Ahh-right!," "Naw", or "Git."
Instead of "Ta-da!" the opening sound would be dueling banjos.
Instead of "Start Me Up," the Winders 95 theme song would be "Achy-Breaky Heart."
Power Point would be called "ParPawnt."
The "Recycle Bin" in Winders 95 would be an outhouse.
The Winders 95 logo would incorporate the confederate flag.
Instead of "VP," Mikersoft big shots would be called "Cuz."
Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am.
Four words: Daisy Duke Screen Saver.
"Well, the first thing you know, old Bill's a billionaire."
Flight Simulator would be replaced by Tractor Pull Simulator.
Mikersoft CEO: Billy-Bob (a.k.a. "Bubba") Gates.
Internet addresses would begin with "dubya, dubya, dubya."
When your software goes down, you would no longer receive the message "A fatal exception has occurred," but rather "You gone and done it now!
from William J. Lee
(in today's case, a humorous comment I found on a mass e-mail)
IMPROVEMENT
The machines that are first invented to perform any particular movement are always the most complex, and succeeding artists generally discover that, with fewer wheels the same effects may be more easily produced.
- Adam Smith
from Jokes4U
Conversions Made Easy!
For those who thought the hardest part of Physics 101 was the constant conversion from MKS or CGS units to English units, here are some useful English system conversions.
Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi
2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton
1 millionth of a mouthwash: 1 microscope
Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 1 bananosecond
Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram
Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour: Knot-furlong
365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling: 1 lite year
16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Serling
Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon
1000 aches: 1 megahurtz
Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower
Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line
(think about it for a moment)
453.6 graham crackers: 1 pound cake
1 million-million microphones: 1 megaphone
1 million bicycles: 2 megacycles
365.25 days: 1 unicycle
10 cards: 1 decacards
1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton
1000 grams of wet socks: 1 literhosen
2000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds (work on it....)
1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche
1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin
10 rations: 1 decoration
100 rations: 1 C-ration
2 monograms: 1 diagram
8 nickels: 2 paradigms
2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital: 1 I.V. League
100 Senators: Not 1 decision
from Coffeebreak
Congressmen are often infamous for buying and selling votes. Well, this site claims they can help you to do the same: voteauction.com
found on CNN
What do you call someone with mental powers who's addicted to using them?
Hooked on psionics.
Here's an online contest for a free hearse (no, not the rental car company, the type of car used for transporting caskets). There's just one catch, it's used. Oh, wait a minute. It's supposedly a haunted hearse. But you and I know that such things can't be true. MUHAHAHAHAHA!!
Is this what they mean by brain washing?
from the "Daily Illuminator"
Help Sally save the dot-coms: Please help and Click Here
from Virginia McCluney
I've given up on the fight against spam. After all, if it weren't for spam, I'd have no email at all.
from Jim Poole
Haloween jokes from wotch.com
You thought it was over ...
But, IT'S HAPPENING AGAIN!!
It's ... the return of the oddball items up for sale on the internet!!
Up for sale this time is a Soyuz TM-26 capsule. Bids can be made at thespacestore.com .
"We know this truly belongs in a museum somewhere, but wouldn't it make a cool playhouse for the kids in the backyard!?!"
At the "Neko-Con" animae/sci-fi convention, those interesting in doing any skits were asked to lighten up on the dirty jokes.
Apparently, someone's been making too many "peice of tail" jokes about animae cat-girls.
this was too cute to pass up - from wotch.com