Click here for some virtual fireworks (contributed by Carolyn B. Lee)
On Friday 6/30/2000, President Clinton used an electronic card to "e-sign" into law a bill that makes electronic signatures as valid as their ink counterparts.
The act, approved overwhelmingly earlier in June by both houses of U.S. Congress, eliminates legal barriers to using electronic technology to form and sign contracts, collect and store documents and send and receive notices and disclosures. It is seen as paving the way for a new era of electronic commerce in which companies could complete transactions online instead of in person.
Clinton said Americans will soon be able to use the cards "for everything from hiring a lawyer to closing a mortgage." "Under this landmark legislation on-line contracts will now have the same legal force as equivalent paper contracts.
But just in case, the "Digital signature Bill" was also signed into law the old-fashioned way - paper and ink pen.
"Huh? Hey Fred, I type in the White House on the 'net, and I get naked girls."
"Oh, the government uses dot-gov, not dot-com. The address 'whitehouse.com' was bought up by a porno site."
"Kinda appropriate with President Clinton, ain't it?"
Inventors sometimes get some strange ideas. Click here to see some of their wackier creations on "Wacky Patent of the month".
found on the Daily Illuminator
When the 'net goes to the dogs: Click here .
from jokeseveryday.com
Things that Will Never Happen on Star Trek (continued):
26. When Worf tells the bridge officers that something is entering visual range, no-one says, "on screen."
27. Worf actually gives another vessel more then two seconds to respond to a call from the Enterprise.
28. Worf kills Wesley in the holodeck by mistake.
29. Wesley Crusher gets beaten up by his classmates for being a "smarmy git," and consequently has a go at making some friends his own age for a change.
30. Wesley saves the ship, the federation and the universe as we know and every- one is grateful.
31. The warp engines start playing up a bit, but seem to sort themselves out again without intervention from the boy genius Wesley Crusher.
32. Wesley tries to upgrade the warp drives and they work better than ever.
33. Beverly Crusher manages to go through a whole episode without having a hot flush and getting breathless when Picard is in the room.
34. Guinan forgets herself and breaks into a standup comedy routine.
35. Data falls in love with the replicator.
36. Kirk (or Riker) falls in love with a woman on a planet he visits and isn't tragically separated from her at the end of the episode.
37. The captain has to make a difficult decision about a less advanced people which is made a great deal easier by the Starfleet Prime Directive.
38. An unknown ensign beams down as part of an away team and lives to tell the tale.
39. Spock or Data are fired from their high ranking position for not being able to understand the most basic nuances about one of the three sentences that anyone says to him.
40. Kirk's hair remains consistent for more than one consecutive episode.
41. Kirk gets into a fistfight and doesn't rip his shirt.
42. Kirk doesn't end up kissing the troubled guest female before she doesn't sacrifice herself to him.
43. Scotty doesn't mention the laws of physics.
44. Scotty isn't the only crew member not affected by a new weapon/attack by an alien race, etc., due to his darn green blood or bizarre Vulcan physiology and thus cannot save the day.
45. The episode ends without Bones and Kirk laughing at Spock's inability to understand the joke, and he doesn't raise his eyebrow.
46. The computer has a general protection fault.
contributed by TKilye
ATM Instructions (for most of us):
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Insert card
3. Enter PIN
4. Take cash, card and receipt
5. Drive away
ATM Instructions for Blondes:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Back up and pull forward to get closer
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in purse
5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine
6. Hunt for card in purse
7. Insert card
8. Hunt in purse for grocery receipt with PIN written on it.
9. Enter PIN
10. Study instructions.
11. Hit "cancel"
12. Re-enter correct PIN
13. Check balance
14. Look for envelope
15. Look in purse for pen
16. Make out deposit slip
17. Endorse checks
18. Make deposit
19. Study instructions
20. Make cash withdrawal
21. Get in car
22. Check makeup
23. Look for keys
24. Start car
25. Check makeup
26. Start pulling away
27. Stop
28. Back up to machine
29. Get out of car
30. Take card and receipt
31. Get back in car
32. Put card in wallet
33. Put receipt in checkbook
34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook
36. Check makeup
37. Put car in reverse
38. Put car in drive
39. Drive away from machine
40. Drive 3 miles
41. Release parking brake
TOP TEN REASONS WHY TV IS BETTER THAN THE WORLD-WIDE WEB
--------------------------------------------------------------------10. It doesn't take minutes to build the picture when you change TV channels.
9. When was the last time you tuned in to "Melrose Place" and got a "Not Found 404" message?
8. There are fewer grating color schemes on TV -- even on MTV.
7. The family never argues over which Web site to visit this evening.
6. A remote control has fewer buttons than a keyboard.
5. Even the worst TV shows never excuse themselves with an "Under Construction" sign.
4. Seinfeld never slows down when a lot of people tune in.
3. You just can't find those cool Health Rider infomercials on the Web.
2. Set-top boxes don't beep and whine when you hook up to HBO.
...and the number 1 reason TV is better than the Web:
You can't surf the Web from a couch with a beer in one hand and Doritos in the other.
from Jokeseveryday.com
In this day and age where kids get suspended from school for carrying asprin, this is probably no great surprise, but still ...
A science exploratorium in San Fracisco had it's website shut down by somebody at the nearby Air Force base. The reason? There were instructions on it for building a bomb - a "Bubble Bomb."
"Using 'the power of fizz,' kids can learn how to 'pop a plastic bag' ... 'Sometimes the bags make a mess when they pop, so you may want to experiment outside. If it's a rainy day, you can explode your Bubble Bombs in the bathtub or sink.' "
And somebody decided this information was too dangerous for the public to view, and shut down the website.
"Attempts to contact the Air Force base command in Colorado were unsuccessful last night. Calls and pager messages left with Air Force public information officers at the base were not returned. "
for the full article, click here
material from San Fransisco Chronicle, found on "The Daily Illuminator"
It seems that the LAPD just got on the internet. Chosen to coordinate this feat was none other than Sgt. Joe Friday. After one week he had to give a presentation explaining Usenet to all the officers.
At the presentation, one woman stated, "You seem to know so much about this stuff, Joe. Did you really read all those postings?"
To which he replied: "Just the FAQs, Ma'am."
from Jokeseveryday
Why is X Men's "Wolverine" so popular among it's fans?
Many think he's a cut above the rest.
"Keep your eye open."
Wolverine's joking comment to Cyclops, whose eyes can release powerful optic blasts, in "X-Men."
When Computer ametuers have trouble: Click here
from JokesforU
It's been recently announced that the male birth control pill will soon be available for testing.
Question is, do the tests account for what a "pill" of a different kind it will be for certain guys to take.
"Doctor, my wife and I have five kids and don't want anymore. But she has trouble with taking contraceptives. What'll we do?"
"Well, the male birth control pill is looking for new test subjects. Take two of these and call me in the morning."
At a deceased's viewing, an unusual feature about the casket draws a quaestion to the undertaker:
"Uh, why are there modem cables attatched to inside the casket?"
"His last request was to check his e-mail."
from cartoon contributed by William J. Lee
Robots that can actually get energy from food like we do are occasionally mentioned in science fiction, such as the android in the animae Cat-Girl Nuku Nuku . Now it seems they've become reality.
It's been announced that a robot was developed that can process meat into energy. The robot's name: Chew-Chew.
Wonder what PETA will think of this?
Found this mildly amusing site on the web:
"If you have any really stupid spam to send along, hit me off and make sure the subject line says something like 'Spam forward for your web page.' " Please Spam Me
Got this in the e-mail a few days ago:
Someone is sending out a very cute screensaver of the Budweiser frogs. If you download it, you will lose everything! Your hard drive will crash and someone from the Internet will get your screen name and password!
Just great, a "Budweiser Frogs" virus. Perfect for making one's computer croak.
"Space is like Dolly Parton. You don't believe it, but there it is."
Lornne Green, speaking on a talk show (Diana 1978) about "Battlestar Galactica"
"Why do you like online shopping so much? The newness of it? The bargins?"
"There's no candy asile at the checkout for my kids to yell 'gimme! gimme!' at."
Posted this on the "Clan of the Cats" comic's discussion board. For those who'd rather not go all the way to the comic, here it is:
You might be a werewolf if:
*The waiter asks "Would you like your steak well done, medium, rare ?" and you say "That's it?"
*You take up jogging, and you find yourself chasing cars.
*The sight of police cars doesn't bother you, but the dogcatcher's truck makes you cringe.
*Instead of beef jerky, you find yourself reaching for "pup-a-roni."
*Pit bulls turn and run at the sight of you.
*Your'e a narcotics cop, and you can always find the drugs even if working alone.
*Your dentist gets hazardous duty pay.
*You find yourself taking a flea dip instead of a bath.
*When someone says "bite me," you feel like obliging.
For the whole kit 'n kaboddle: Click here
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington exam:
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:
"First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Teresa Banyan during my Freshman year, "...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you.", and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then, #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze."
The student received the only "A" given.
The group of viruses called "adenoviruses" cause colds, diarrhea, pinkeye, and one has been linked to something else:
Researchers at the University of Wisconsin have found that mice and chickens infected with adenovirus-36 put on much more fat than their healthy counterparts. Since it's the first virus they looked at, other viruses may do the same. In humans, five percent of people of normal weight have the virus, but 20 to 30% of those overweight.
I wonder how many people will start saying "I have a virus" after Thanksgiving and Christmas?
"A Russian scientist has invented gasoline-powered footwear, whose wearers can take a great leap forward Ñ 13 feet at a time."
" ' Some students came to us with the idea in a seminar and they suggested this project. They stuck with the idea,' " says Sergeyev. " 'And from the joke came these shoes, which allow 70 percent of the energy of a person running to be saved.' "
Guess one can say this is a case of engineers taking a joke and running with it. Footware technology progressing by leaps and bounds.
to the full article in ABC News
I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.
-- Isaac Asimov
from "Coffebreak"