"Amiga can kiss my asterix."
"PC" from Funny Farm
A former co-worker was called to solve a problem. The problem was that a customer called saying that his 23-inch workstation monitor screen was cracked. The customer was a mining company in the Andes mountains. (We live in Chile, South America.)
Upon checking the manuals, they found the monitor's maximum operating altitude above sea level was lower than where the mine was.
My friend's superviser was worried that the monitor might blow up in someone's face and create a major incident. They sent him right away with a replacement.
When he arrived, they took him to where the workstation was. He took a long look at it, then licked his fingers and wiped the screen. The monitor hadn't been cracked. It was just dirty.
from Computer Stupidities
An man purchased a laptop from me. He called about a week later and said that it would no longer boot up. He brought it in, and I discovered that sixteen nicely drilled holes were in the bottom of the case. I asked him about it, and he said the machine was too hot sitting on his lap, so he had drilled these "air holes."
"Could that be the problem?" he asked.
The GURPS Aliens role-playing game book (for use in games using G.U.R.P.S. rules) had a number of races. Many had their funny sides. The "An-thar," whose pig-like apperance and prefering to bathe three times a day was an amusing combination. Individuals of the "Fasni" tended to imitate the cuture of places they went to (probably often cheesy pop-culture). One hive-mind of intelligent insectoids that looked quite a bit scary turned out to have a friendly child-like nieveness.
But the GURPS Aliens race I found the most comical were the "Cidi," a race of intelligent rodent-like creatures averaging eight inches tall and weighing just a pound or two. If that combined with their squeaky voices and often cutsie-sounding names wasn't funny enough, there was another thing. They could get quite sensitive to jokes about their small size and being patronized, to the point where a "Cidi Defense League" was formed. A sit-com or other show that poked fun of Cidi could expect an eight-inch high visitor from the League, who would "calmly explain why the show was found to be offensive to persons of small stature."
In this age of "Political Correctness" on Earth in the nineties and early 2000's, it's all the more funnier.
"So how did your date go?"
"Well, you know how the personals ad described her as 'out of this world?'"
"Yeah?"
"The meeting place was a sci-fi convention, and she was in costume."
Got this among my e-mails:
I was on my way to the post office to pick up my case of free M&M's (sent to me because I forwarded an e-mail to five other people, celebrating the fact that the year 2000 is "MM" in Roman numerals), when I ran into a friend whose neighbor, a young man, was home recovering from having been served a rat in his bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken (which is predictable, since as everyone knows, there's no actual chicken in Kentucky Fried Chicken, which is why the government made them change their name to KFC).
Anyway, one day this guy went to sleep and when he awoke he was in his bathtub and it was full of ice and he was sore all over and when he got out of the tub he realized that HIS KIDNEY HAD BEEN STOLEN. He saw a note on his mirror that said "Call 911!" but he was afraid to use his phone because it was connected to his computer, and there was a virus on his computer that would destroy his hard drive if he opened an e-mail entitled "Join the crew!" He knew it wasn't a hoax because he himself was a computer programmer who was working on software to prevent a global disaster in which all the computers get together and distribute the $250.00 Neiman-Marcus cookie recipe under the leadership of Bill Gates. (It's true - I read it all last week in a mass e-mail from BILL GATES HIMSELF, who was also promising me a free Disney World vacation and $5,000 if I would forward the e-mail to everyone I know.)
The poor man then tried to call 911 from a pay phone to report his missing kidneys, but a voice on the line first asked him to press #90, which unwittingly gave the bandit full access to the phone line at the guy's expense. Then reaching into the coin-return slot he got jabbed with an HIV-infected needle around which was wrapped a note that said, "Welcome to the world of AIDS." Luckily he was only a few blocks from the hospital - the one where that little boy who is dying of cancer is, the one whose last wish is for everyone in the world to send him an e-mail and the American Cancer Society has agreed to pay him a nickel for every e-mail he receives. I sent him two e-mails and one of them was a bunch of x's and o's in the shape of an angel (if you get it and forward it to more than 10 people, you will have good luck but for only 10 people you will only have OK luck and if you send it to fewer than 10 people you will have BAD LUCK FOR SEVEN YEARS).
So anyway the poor guy tried to drive himself to the hospital, but on the way he noticed another car driving without its lights on. To be helpful, he flashed his lights at him and was promptly shot as part of a gang initiation.
Send THIS to all the friends who send you their mail and you will receive 4 green M&Ms -- if you don't, the owner of Proctor and Gamble will report you to his Satanist friends and you will have more bad luck:
you will get sick from the Sodium Laureth Sulfate in your shampoo, your spouse/mate will develop a skin rash from using the antiperspirant which clogs the pores under your arms, and the U.S. government will put a tax on your e-mails forever.
I know this is all true 'cause I read it on the Internet.
from William J. Lee
> YOU MIGHT BE AN ENGINEER IF......
... choosing to buy flowers for your girlfriend or upgrading your RAM is a moral dilemma.
... you take a cruise so you can go on a personal tour of the engine room.
... in college you thought spring break was metal fatigue failure.
... the salespeople at the local computer store can't answer any of your questions.
... at an air show you know how fast the skydivers are falling.
... you bought your wife a new CD-ROM drive for her birthday.
... you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.
... you can type 70 words per minute but can't read your own handwriting.
... you comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.
... you sit backwards on the Disneyland rides to see how they do the special effects.
... you have saved every power cord from all your broken appliances.
... you have more friends on the Internet than in real life.
... you know what
... you look forward to Christmas so you can put the kids' toys together.
... you see a good design and still have to change it.
... you spent more on your calculator than you did on your wedding ring.
... you still own a slide rule and know how to use it.
... you think that people yawning around you are sleep-deprived.
... you window shop at Radio Shack.
....your laptop computer costs more than your car.
... your wife hasn't the foggiest idea of what you do at work.
... you've already calculated how much you make per second.
... you've tried to repair a $5 radio.
from Kathy D.
What if Data Were a PC?
WORF: Captain, there are three Romulan warships uncloaking dead ahead.
PICARD: On screen.
[The main viewing screen changes to a pattern of horizontal lines, each only a single pixel wide.]
PICARD: Data, what's wrong here?
DATA: Captain, the main viewscreen does not have sufficient video memory to display an image of this size. May I suggest that you select a lower resolution?
PICARD: Make it so.
[The screen blanks, and then an image appears, with big, blocky square pixels. Three objects appear in the center, which could be Romulan warbirds, but which actually look more like the aliens in Space Invaders.]
PICARD: Data, open a hailing channel to the Romulans.
DATA: Aye, sir.
[Data picks up an hourglass from the floor beside him, turns it over, and places it on the console in front of him. He punches some buttons on the console and sits motionless for several seconds. A flash of light blossoms from one of the Romulan ships on the viewscreen.]
WORF: Incoming plasma torpedo, Captain!
PICARD: Shields up!
DATA: I'm sorry, Captain, but I am still attempting to complete your last instruction. I must ask you to wait until I have finished before you issue your next command.
PICARD: What on earth do you mean? Data, this is *important*! I want those shields up *right now*.
DATA: I'm sorry, Captain, but I am still attempting to complete your last instruction. I must ask you to wait until I have finished before you issue your next command.
LAFORGE: Allow me, captain. [to Data] Control-alt-delete, Data.
[Data removes the hourglass from the console, and returns it to the floor.]
DATA: The Romulans are not responding to my hails. Press my nose to cancel and return to Windows. Pull my left ear to close this communications channel which is not responding. You will lose any information sent by the Romulans.
[LaForge pulls Data's left ear.]
PICARD: Shields...
[There is a tremendous explosion. The bridge shakes violently, and all the crew members are thrown to the floor. A shower of sparks erupts from Wesley Crusher's station at the helm, throwing Wesley back away from the console.]
PICARD: Up, Data!
DATA: Aye, sir.
RIKER: All decks, damage report!
WORF: Captain, Ensign Crusher is injured. He appears to be unconscious.
[Data picks up the hourglass again, places it on his console, and punches some more buttons. He waits a few seconds, then puts the hourglass back on the floor.]
DATA: Shields are now up, captain.
PICARD: And not a moment too soon. Worf, lock all phasers on the lead Romulan ship.
WORF: Aye, sir. [He punches buttons on the weapons console.]
PICARD: Mr. Data, take the helm, and prepare for evasive action.
DATA: I am sorry, sir, but I do not have the proper device driver installed for that console.
PICARD: Well, damn it, install the right one.
DATA: Please insert Setup Implant #1 in my right nostril.
PICARD: Number One, where do we keep Data's setup implants?
RIKER: I left them with Geordi.
LAFORGE: [in a surprised voice] What!!? I thought you still had them!
PICARD: Data, don't you have device drivers stored in your internal memory?
DATA: Not found, sir. Please insert Setup Implant #1 in my right nostril.
PICARD: Data, I don't *have* Setup Implant #1.
DATA: Not ready reading right nostril. Abort, Retry, Fail?
PICARD: Abort!
DATA: Not ready reading right nostril. Abort, Retry, Fail?
PICARD: Well, fail, then!
DATA: Current nose is no longer valid.
[Data walks over to the helm, and presses several buttons. The ship lurches, the images of the Romulan warships suddenly shift to one side of the viewscreen, and a high-pitched whining noise is heard coming from somewhere else in the ship.]
LAFORGE: [alarmed] Data, what the hell are you doing?
PICARD: Number One, do we have a customer service number for Data?
RIKER: Yes sir, but last time I tried to call them, I got put on hold for two hours before I was able to talk to anyone. And that person wasn't knowledgeable about androids of Data's model. She specialized in industrial control robots.
[Suddenly, the lights all go out, the viewscreen goes blank, and all the usual noise of fans, motors, and so on whines to a halt. After a few seconds, the red emergency lights come on. Data is standing by the console, absolutely motionless.]
PICARD: What's going on?
LAFORGE: [checking the helm console] Lieutenant Data has caused a General Protection Violation in the warp engine core.
PICARD: These androids look really sharp, but you can't really do anything with them.
[The shimmer of the transporter effect appears, and six Romulans in full battle dress materialize on the bridge. A seventh figure, a Ferengi, appears moments later.]
FERENGI: [with a mercenary grin] Can I interest you in a Macintosh, Captain?
from IB Laffing
From the same people who brought you Dolly the cloned sheep, come the cloned piglets.
This breakthrough is a preliminary to eventually using pig organs for transplants.
Now you can have a new heart, and a side order of pork chops.
"... Thank you for your email. This Internet of yours is a wonderful invention."
in an e-mail from George W. Bush to Al Gore
Man to lepracaun: Hey, how come you;re running around in broad daylight? Aren't you afraid someone 'll catch you for your pot of gold?"
lepracaun: I used ta be, then all the greedy folk began looking for their pot 'o gold by investing over this newfangled Internet.
I was talking to a friend about the cloned piglets breakthrough ealier this week, which could lead to people in the near future being able to have pig organs for transplants.
He thought it was great for most of us, but he asked how would Jewish and Islamic folk bennefit from this scientific advance.
On the door of a Computer Store: "Out for a quick byte."
Reasons Why Star Wars Is Better Than Titanic:
Titanic is big, but it doesn't have hyperdrive. Star Wars has WAY cooler action figure potential. Yoda could use the Force to lift Titanic out of the water. Leia is a princess, a senator, a freedom fighter, and Jedi material; Rose is just marriage bait.
Ewoks throw better parties than either first class or steerage. When flying towards the Titanic, Wedge can't say "Look at the size of that thing!" and really mean it.
It would be much scarier to get chased around the boat by a raving madman with a lightsaber as opposed to a handgun.
Titanic is egalitarian by portraying poor people as sympathetic characters. Star Wars is egalitarian by promoting bug-eyed amphibians to Admiral.
Said bug-eyed amphibious Admiral manages NOT to lose his ship. We know Cal is the bad guy because he sneers at the poor and treats his fianc]e like property. We know Darth Vader is the bad guy because he strangles people and blows up planets for fun.
Yeah, Leo can dance, but can he fly an X-wing? People have not lost their lives trying to recreate scenes from StarWars on the bow of a cruise liner.
Rose braves icy water to rescue her man. Leia braves Jabba the Hut.
Two words: John Williams.
There are always enough escape pods in Star Wars. Do you know what the Empire does to self-proclaimed "kings of the world"?
If Luke were handcuffed to a pipe below decks in a sinking ship, he would use the Force to get the key.
"I'd rather be his whore than your wife" just doesn't have the same sting as "I'd rather kiss a Wookie."
Han is frozen in carbonate and turned into a wall ornament. Leo simply freezes.
We knew the boat was gonna sink. But who could've anticipated "Luke... I am your father"?
Han Solo would've missed the dang iceberg!
Submitted by Meggi-Poo on funny.com
Some Reasons Why Star Wars "The Thrawn Trilogy" will never be put on the movie screen:
The main vilian wears a conservative military uniform, rather than a grim cloak or a costume making him look like a comic-book bad guy.
Not only are there no "slave girl outfit" scenes for Leia, she's also pregnant.
The Evil Empire lacks a "politicaly incorrect" viliany aspect with an alien in charge of the virtually all-human Imperial forces.
Luke is no fun when he can't use the Force.
The villian actually has a hobby (art).
Some Reasons Why Star Wars "The Thrawn Trilogy" SHOULD be on the movie screen:
Grand Admiral Thrawn shows you don't need the Dark Side of the Force to threaten the galaxy.
Mean-looking alien ninjas are cooler than walking teddy bears with spears.
Someone kills Luke (sort of).
C-3PO is real fun when he has to use Leia's voice, "Do I really sound like that?" (Leia to Han after hearing him with the voice).
Two words: Mara Jade.
What's a Star Wars' fanatic's favorite car?
A Toy-Yoda
* Customer: "I've been signed up with your service for over a week, and have not been able to connect even once because of busy signals. If I can't get any better service than that, I'm going to switch to another ISP."
* Tech Support: "Hmmm...that shouldn't be happening. We're no where near maxing out our dial up lines. Are you sure you're dialing the right number?"
* Customer: "I'm not stupid! I know my own phone number!"
From Computer Stupidities
* Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message."
* Tech Support: "Did you install the update?"
* Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"
From Computer Stupidities
Companies involved in cryonics, the freezing of a dead body (freezing a live body would kill it anyway) in hopes that it can be revived in some future date, usually take great pains to insure they won't go belly-up in any financially troubled times. This invariably means always keeping some of their funds in trust funds.
Considering that these companies sometimes freeze only the head, this gives new meaning to the term "brain trust."
from GURPS Bio-Tech
DO NOT CONNECT TO THE INTERNET FROM 12:01 AM GMT ON APR. 1 TO 12:01 AM GMT, APR. 2 !!
*** Attention ***
It's that time again!
As many of you know, each year the ENTIRE Internet (not just MIT) mustÊ be shut down for 24 hours in order to allow us to clean it. The cleaning process,Êwhich eliminates dead email, inactive ftp and www sites, and empty USENETÊgroups, allows for a better working and faster Internet. This year, the cleaning process will take place from 12:01 a.m. GMT on April 1 until 12:01 a.m. GMT on April 2 (the time least likely to interfere with ongoing work). During that 24-hour period, five powerful Internet search engines situated around the world will search the Internet and delete any data that they find. In order to protect your valuable data from deletion we ask that you do the following:
1. Disconnect all terminals and local area networks from their Internet connections.
2. Shut down all Internet servers, or disconnect them from the Internet.
3. Disconnect all disks and hard drives from any connections to the Internet.
4. Refrain from connecting any computer to the Internet in any way.We understand the inconvenience that this may cause some Internet users, and we apologize. However, we are certain that any inconveniences will be more than made up for by the increased speed and efficiency of the Internet, once it has been cleared of electronic flotsam and jetsam. We thank you for your cooperation.
Kim Dereksen
Interconnected Network Maintenance staff,
Main branch, Massachusetts Institute of TechnologySysops and others: Since the last Internet cleaning, the number of Internet users has grown dramatically. Please assist us in alerting the public of the upcoming Internet cleaning by posting this message where your users will be able to read it. Please pass this message on to other sysops and Internet users as well.
Thank you.
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APRIL FOOLS!!!
from IB laffing
"AAAAAGGGGHHHH"
- Any "Classic" Star Trek Security officer sometime during the show
from coolsig.com
My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"
From Amy Skidmore
First Astronaut: I heard a restaraunt opened up on the moon.
Second Astronaut: I wouldn't hurry to get there. Word has it that place has no atmosphere.
How many programers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None it's a hardware problem.
I personally love the reaction of some people to the screen savers on the Macintoshes in our computer lab. I was sitting next to a blonde (at that point I didn't place any significance to this fact) who was typing a paper, and by the way she was doing it, it was clear that this was just about her first time. Well, a friend of hers sat at the computer across from hers, and they started chatting...and the screen saver kicked in. The scream was heard, I was told, around two corners in the hallway.
After she'd nearly passed out, her friend told her that she hadn't lost anything, and that she could get back to what she was doing just by moving the mouse. She didn't count on the fact that when her friend jumped up in hysteria, she'd bumped the keyboard/mouse connector out of the socket.
From Computer Stupidities
Revisited
"Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic." Arthur C. Clark
Any technology, no matter how primitive, is magic to those who don't understand it. - character Florence Ambrose in Mark Stanley's Freefall
"So how's your online investing coming out?"
"Lousy. Some online broker suckered me into a Third World fund, and he swindled me dry! I should have known something was amiss when I heard he was based in Egypt.
"Why?"
"'E gyped me fifty bucks here, 'e gyped me ninety bucks there, 'e gyped me a hundred over there ...
Why did the "Spider Man" website crash?
Not enough web space.
Got this in the e-mail yesterday
s w
Does this have "let me max out your credit card" written on it, or what?
A friend of mine works in a busy office where a computer going down causes quite an inconvenience. Recently one of the computers not only crashed, it made a noise that sounded like a heart monitor.
"This computer has flat-lined!" a co-worker called out with mock horror. "Does anyone here know how to do mouse-to-mouse?"
Subject: Computer-illiterate??
So you think you're computer-illiterate? Check out the following excerpts from a Wall Street Journal article.
1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press any key" to "Press the Enter key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "any" key is.
2. Gateway support had a caller complain that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The dust cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
3. A Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After troubleshooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer had labeled the diskettes and then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.
4. Another Gateway customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the diskettes.
5. A Dell technician advised a customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the technician to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his office.
6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered that the man trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor and pressing the "Send" key.
7. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a technician suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a couple of friends," the customer replied. When told that Egghead was a software store, the man said "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks."
8. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.
9. A Gateway technician spoke to a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid." The technician explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid entry" responses shouldn't be taken personally.
10. An exasperated caller to Dell couldn't get her new computer to turn on. After making sure the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response was "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happened." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the mouse.
11. A customer called Compaq to say her brand new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"
12. This guy calls in to complain that he gets an "Access Denied" message every time he logs in. It turned out he was typing his user name and password in capital letters. Tech Support: OK, let's try once more, but use lower case letters. Customer "Uh, I only have capital letters on my keyboard."
13. True story from a Novell NetWire technician:
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I'm within my warranty period. How do I get it fixed?"
Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did your receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
Caller: "It came with my computer. I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '32X.' on it."
At this point the technician had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and had snapped it off the drive!
Admit it, you feel just little superior after reading these, don't you?!
Contributed by IB laffing
More than 600 people in Italy wanted to ride in a spaceship badly enough to pay $10,000 apiece for the first tourist flight to Mars. According to the Italian police, the would-be space travelers were told to spend their "next vacation on Mars, amid the splendors of ruined temples and painted deserts. Ride a Martian camel from oasis to oasis and enjoy the incredible Martian sunsets. Explore mysterious canals and marvel at the views. Trips to the moon also available." Authorities believe that the con men running this scam made off with over six million dollars...
from Jokeseveryday.com