Sorry, no joke for today due to Y2K trouble.
(Hey, everyone else is using that excuse these days)
"Hey, it's finally the 21st Century. Where's all the futuristic stuff from the movies?"
"What are you talking about?"
"All those old movies about the year 2000. They said we'd be flying rocket sleds, taking vacations on the moon, houses in the sky, well, where are they?"
"Count your blessings. They also predicted we'd be having just pills for food, having kids only through the labratory, polution and nuclear war, and then there's the movie about life in 1984."
In an upstate New York store, the Y2K bug showed up when the first customer of the day returned a video, and was told by the computer that it was 100 years late and given a $91,250 late fee.
The store owner joked about collectting a couple such late fees and heading to Florida for vactaion. Fortunetly for the customer, he redid the bill by paper and pen, and let him rent another video for free.
Teacher: The modem was first develeoped in 1958.
Student: Cool. But, didn't it have to wait for the PC?
Catastrophies that occured at Y1K:
1. The government abacus shut down as the beads wouldn't slide.
2. The flints wouldn't make fire when struck.
3. The clubs wouldn't hit when swung.
4. The bows couldn't shoot arrows.
5. The drawing on the cave walls all disappeared and had to be redrawn.
6. The volcanoes froze over, necessitating alternate means of making human sacrifices to appease the gods.
7. All pterodactyl flights were grounded.
8. Many people fell off the edge of the Earth. (Remember, it was flat then.)
If you don't think that Y2K will be "just another day," you probably are gullible enough to believe some or all of the above too.
Contribiuted by William J. Lee, Author Uknown
Blonde: Can computers eat?
Tech: Of course not! What made you think that?
Blonde: Every time I go online, I come across "press return for your computer to accept cookies."
How many of you get too many mass-mailings? Copy, paste, and send the following:
Please remove me from your mailing list. My doctor told me to cut down on pork, including SPAM.
TIME/Warner magazine and America Online just agreed to merge.
Does this mean that those annoying little "flyer" cards will fall on our laps from the screen when we go online, and the magazines will "crash" while being read?
Why do cats like to look inside old computer boxes?
To see if the mouse is still inside
In an "Earthlink" commercial, they had the "hampsterdance.com" site running in front of the camera ...
"We at Earthlink believe in making the internet more accessable to everyone, so you can allow the internet to expand your horizons ..."
Do-do doo doo doo do-dee ...
"Not to mention annoy the heck out of the guy in the next cubicle."
First they cloned salamanders, then a sheep, and now scientists just announced they cloned a simian.
They're coming closer and closer to 'monkeying around' with human cloning.
Proverbs of the Millenium
1. Anywhere you hang your @ is home.
2. The e-mail of the species is deadlier than the mail.
3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
5. Great groups from little icons grow.
6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
7. C:\ is the root of all directories.
8. Don't put all your hypes in one home page.
9. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
10. The modem is the message.
11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.
12. The geek shall inherit the earth.
13. A chat has nine lives.
14. Don't byte off more than you can view.
15. Fax is stranger than fiction.
16. What boots up must come down.
17. Windows will never cease.
18. Virtual reality is its own reward.
19. Modulation in all things.
20. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
21. There's no place like home.
22. Know what to expect before you connect.
23. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.
24. Speed thrills.
25. Give a man (or for that matter anyone) a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use The Net and he won't bother you for weeks.
contributed by KathyBe on the lookout for the following viruses:
MIKE TYSON VIRUS
Quits after two bytes.
OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS
Your 300 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100 MB, then
slowly expands to 200 MB.
RONALD REAGAN VIRUS
Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.
DR. JACK KEVORKIAN VIRUS
Deletes all old files.
TITANIC VIRUS
Your whole computer goes down.
DISNEY VIRUS
Everything in your computer goes Goofy.
JOEY BUTTAFUOCO VIRUS
Only attacks minor files.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS
Terminates some files, leaves, but WILL BE BACK.
contributed by Kathy
Author Uknown
The Original Computer Bug?
The "original computer bug" was found in an early supercomputer, the Mark II, in 1945. Grace Hopper and a team at Harvard University were working on the Mark IIÊwhen it suddenly shut down.
The cause of the malfunction, they later discovered, was a moth (see above) which had flown in a computer relay. Although the insect was dead, Hopper made sure this bug would be remembered for history. After removing the moth with a pair of tweezers, Hopper taped the creature into her work journal.
"From then on," Hopper later recalled, "when anything went wrong with a computer, we said it had bugs in it." The journal now resides in the collection of the Smithsonian Computer Museum.
from Retro-Future
The "Cookie Monster" Virus: Makes your computer keep taking cookies
An Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.
Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Your Loving Husband.
PS: Sure is hot down here.
From Jokes4U
Three Apple engineers and Three Microsoft Employees are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three Microsoft employees each buy tickets and watch as the three Apple engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a Microsoft employee.
"Watch and you'll see", answers the Apple engineer.
They all board the train. The Microsoft employees take their respective seats, but all three Apple engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please."
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Microsoft employees saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.
So after the conference, the Microsoft employees decide to copy the Apple engineers (as they always do) on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Apple engineers don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed Microsoft employee.
"Watch and you'll see, " answers an Apple engineer.
When they board the train the three Microsoft employees cram into a restroom and the three Apple engineers cram into another one nearby.
The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Apple engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Microsoft employees are hiding.
He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please...".
Contributed from William J. Lee
Author Unknown
There's Always Someone Dumber
I saw a lady at work today putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. I inquired as to what she was doing and she said she was shopping on the Internet, and they asked for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."
.................................................
I worked with an individual who plugged his power strip back into itself and for the life of him could not understand why his computer would not turn on.
.................................................
1st Person: "Do you know anything about this machine?"
2nd Person: "A little. What's wrong?"
1st Person: "Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened."
2nd Person: "How did you load the sheet?"
1st Person: "It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient would open it and read it."
.................................................
Tech Support: "What does the screen say now?"
Person: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support: "Well?"
Person: "How do I know when it's ready?"
.................................................
Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift. One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," she told him. With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.
.................................................
I was working the help desk. One day one of the computer operators called me and asked if anything "bad" would happen if she dropped coins into the openings of her PC. I asked her if this was something she was thinking of doing. She said, "Never mind" and hung up. So I got out my trusty tool kit and paid her a visit. I opened her CPU case and sure enough, there was 40 cents.
.................................................
I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large motorhome was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister" I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the cruise control, then went in back to make a sandwich.
.................................................
I rented a movie from Blockbuster Video. Before the movie began, a message came on the screen saying, "This movie has been altered to fit your television screen." Comment from person: "How do they know what size screen I have?"
Contributed from William J. Lee
Author Unknown
Microsoft announced today Windows 2000 release delayed until second quarter 1901
From Jokes4U
A picture may be worth a thousand words but it uses up a thousand times more memory!
For Star Wars Fans
Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
Author Unknown
Failure Is Not An Option. It's bundled with your software.
Author Unknown
Your computer is dead.
It once was a first-rate.
Don't you regret buying......
Windows 98?
Jokes 4 U
On February 8, 2000, Hackers attacked the YAHOO site, and disabled it for several hours.
Will the turkeys in the hacker underground be asking each other, 'Did you YAHOO?'
Sorry, due to the massive cross-Internet hacker attacks, no joke for today.
(Hey, everyone is using that excuse this week)
In recent days, there have been some hacker attacks on various web sites. Needless to s&y, we at Writer's Block condem this ÃŒ÷–¶ŒÂö§m of the internet. Fortunetly, the situation is under control now *********ÃÃÃé©©©©©Ï·«¨ ´¬ö¿ÔÒ¹¿ö¬´§Œ¶Ä©úÆûÂɾ
and according to news reports, no expense is being spared in tracking down the
Computer Tech on the phone: "No, male/female plugs on cords have nothing to do with cyber-romance."
Computer Dating Service clerk to prospect: Uh, do you have a pacemaker or bionic arm?
Prospect: I have an artificial arm, yes, is that going to be a problem?
Clerk: Afraid so, the computer's asking you out.
For Star Trek Fans
The Star Trek shows occasionally have a human/extraterrestrial hybrid in the cast. For whatever reason, two of these characters are half Klingon: a race that humans often have trouble with.
Seems if Klingons aren't messing with humanity one way, it's another.
When the February 2000 attacks on the Internet were launched, the hackers' style of attack was known as "smurfing."
May we at Writers' Block suggest a new computer term.
BARNEYING: To put very annoying music on a website.
A recent study suggests that Internet users are finding themselves more and more isolated from the outside world, going out less.
Well, what kind of warm reception does an Internet user get when he goes out to a bar/club for a little socializing?
"Whadda mean you don't like the music? It's the lattest rap tunes!"
"No thank you. I don't feel like dancing." (heard from behind when walking away and another guy asks her), "Why sure."
"Duuuuuhh. Hey bud, could'ja lend me five bucks. Ya know ahm good for it."
"I'd rather go to the movies alone."
Maybe there's a reason some guys tend to hang out online.
Recently some companies have sprung up, promising to clone your pet in the near-future.
One of them for felines only is named, what else, "Copy Cat."
TOP 10 SIGNS THAT YOU KNOW IT'S TIME TO JOIN E-MAILERS ANONYMOUS
10. You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom, and check your email on the way back to bed.
9. Your firstborn is named dotcom.
8. You turn off your modem and are suddenly filled with a feeling of emptiness, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
7. You spend half of a plane trip with you laptop in your lap...and your child in the overhead compartment.
6. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.
5. You find yourself typing "com" after every period.com
4. You refer to going to the bathroom as "downloading."
3. You move into a new home and decide to Netscape before you landscape.
2. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)
AND THE NO. 1 SIGN THAT YOU KNOW IT'S
TIME TO JOIN E-MAILERS ANONYMOUS:
1. Immediately after reading this list, you email it to someone.
from Jokes4U
Occasionally in sci-fi I'll see sapient avians, or "bird-men," such as the Skor in Star Trek.
Able to fly or not, these guys would still need vehicles to make trips too long or too fast to go on their own.
One can imagine the irony of one of their distant cousins making a "deposit" on their car.
For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
From Jokes4U
Well, it happened again. One can find just about everything up for sale on E-Bay, and what was on the Feb. 24 news proves it.
Someone put his SOUL up for sale to the highest bidder.
E-Bay found out, and put an end to it right away.
Religious feelings aside, E-Bay stated that the sale of a soul would violate their rules "prohibiting the sale of human bodies and parts thereof."
No word whether Satan was among the bidders or not.
Yesterday's joke was about the joker who put his soul up for auction to the highest bidder.
Not sure what the highest bid was before it was shut down, but the one I saw on TV showed just $20.90
The ammount of money working just over three hours at minimum wage.
The guy behind this better not have told anyone about his online gag. I can just imagine another joker putting on a Hollywood quality demon costume, and then show up at the guys' house, throw the money onto the floor, and then say, "I'll be back in two weeks."
I'd pay more than $20.90 to have a videotape of the scene, especialy the look on the online prankster's face.
A Glass Of Milk
Somebody left a glass of milk next to the keyboard. Reaction?
Optimist: The glass is half full.
Pessimist: The glass is half empty.
Futurist: The milk's in the wrong half of the glass.
Pascal programmers: Well, what type of milk is it?
C Programmers: No thanks; I drink straight from the jug.
Assembly programmers: No thanks; I drink straight from the cow.
Basic programmers: No thanks; I'm still breast feeding.
MIS: I'LL DRINK IT IF YOU CAN GIVE ME UNTIL NEXT YEAR.
Fuzzy logic guys: I may or may not have drunk some part of that milk.
Prolog programmers: I know I drank it - just don't ask me how.
Non-procedural language programmers: I drank it when nobody was looking.
UI designers: What's that crap in my glass?
Pentium users: I drank Glass * .49999999 . . . but don't hold me to that.
Windows users: Where's my straw?
Mac users: Where's my pump?
UNIX users: Nahh . . . too easy.
Multimedia author:
From Jokes4U
Warning! Bill Gates (president of Microsoft) may be the next Antichrist. Revelation 13:18 says, "Let anyone who has intelligence work out the number of the beast, for the number represents a man's name, and the numerical value of its letters is six hundred and sixty-six." Bill Gates's full name is William Henry Gates III. Nowadays he is known as Bill Gates (III). By converting the letters of his current name to their ASCII values, you get the following:
B I L L G A T E S 3
66 + 73 + 76 + 76 + 71 + 65 + 84 + 69 + 83 + 3 = 666
also...
M S - D O S sp 6 . 2 1
77 + 83 + 45 + 68 + 79 + 83 + 32 + 54 + 46 + 50 + 49 = 666
and almost...
W I N D O W S 9 6
87 + 73 + 78 + 68 + 79 + 87 + 83 + 57 + 54 = 666
Source: anonymous USENET post in the fall of 1994...
from "Phillip Greenspun's" Why Bill Gates is Richer Than You site
Software Mates
The software engineering field is staffed primarily by men;
the ratio of male to female software engineers is on the order of 15 to 1.
This makes it pretty easy for women to find potential mates among their peers.
However, software types have a well-earned reputation for being a little strange.
While discussing the prospect of working in the software industry,
one woman commented to another: "The odds are good, but the goods are odd."
from Jokes4U