Jokes from November, December 1999
Happy Y2K (Pay no attention to the evil laughter from your computer)
Y not 2K?
What's the official hairpiece of the Millenium?
The Y tou-pee'
Sign of the Times: One '90's way of attempting suicide is by going to a frequent UFO sighting area at night and holding up a sign: "ABDUCT ME!"
Durring the Clinton years, some aliens saw a broadcast of the "Monica Confession."
"Uh, let's wait a few years before going down and saying 'Take me to your leader.'"
For Star Trek Fans:
Star Fleet Admiral to Captian Kirk, "Uh, Jim, I know we're supposed to 'go where no man has gone before,' but could you please stop messing around with the women durring our First Contacts so much?"
Remember those penguns from the "Bud Ice" commercials?
Doo-bee doobie doobie
Well, it turns out that Linux, a computer Operating System and a rival of Windows, has a penguin as it's mascot.
Doo-bee doobie doobie
With the government threatening breakup, and it's rivals getting greater shares of it's market, should Windows "Beware the Penguins?"
Doo-bee doobie doobie
Blonde: Here's that coupon I found on the Internet.
Cashier: This is just a piece of curved glass.
Blonde: But it was a coupon when I cut it off the screen.
What's your Star Wars Name?
It appears that Lucas uses a formula to create all those stupid names you see in the Star Wars trilogy and Phantom Menace (Jar Binks, ObiWan, etc.).
Well...I have gotten a hold of the formula! To see what your Star Wars name is, follow the steps below...
Your Star Wars First Name
1: Take the first 3 letters of your last name.
2: Add to that, the first 2 letters of your first name.
Your Star Wars Last Name
1: Take the first 2 letters of your mother's maiden name.
2: Add to that the first 3 letters of the name of the town or city you were born in.
There you go!
There's your Star Wars Name.
Contributed by Angel23009@aol.com. Author Uknown
One day, I was working at a help desk and a lady called,
"Will I be able to send emails and surf the Internet if I plug my laptop into the cigarette lighter in my car?"
"No, Mamm. You need to connect to a cable modem or a phone wire" I replied.
"Well, how come I can use my cell phone to talk to someone when it is hooked to the cigarette lighter?"
Contributed by cblee123@erols.com.
Q. - How many Microsoft vice presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
A. - Eight: one to work the bulb and seven to make sure Microsoft gets $2 for every light bulb ever changed anywhere in the world.
Contributed by cblee123@erols.com.
Q: - How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: - None, Bill Gates will just redefine Darkness(tm) as the new industry standard.
Contributed by cblee123@erols.com.
Sign at a dentist's office: "Brush up for the year 2000. Your teeth are asking Y D-K?"
Student: Hey Dad, did you know the WW2 codebreaking efforts helped get the computer as we know it invented?
Father: No surprise to me. Figuring out this computer is like codebreaking.
Felinoid aliens appear time to time in science fiction, some hostile such as the Kilarthi in Wing Commander, and some friendly like the Caitians in Star Trek.
What never seems to come up are how such beings might react to certain expressions in our language such as "cathouse," "sex kitten," "peice of tail," and others, "Uh, WHAT does that mean again?"
On a starship on a training cruise, the captain returns to the bridge after leaving things to the cadets for a while.
Cadet: Sir, we've been pursuing this strange alien ship on the screen, but we've been unable to catch up to it, it doesn't answer our hails, and for some reason, it doesn't register on our sensors. Could it be some kind of stealth technology, Sir?
Captain: That's no alien ship. That's a moth on the viewscreen!
Windows 95 = Macintosh 84
Old bumper sticker on a Mac owner's car
While on a cruise, a starship captain orders "All right, give me power."
Instead, the fire-estinguishing sprinkler system comes on.
"I said power! POWER!! Not shower!"
A group of managers were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So they go out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and they're falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures--the whole thing is just a mess.
An engineer comes along and sees what they're trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, gives the measurement to one of the managers and walks away.
After the engineer has gone, one manager turns to another and laughs. "Isn't that just like an engineer, we're looking for the height and he gives us the length."
What personalized license plate would one expect for a computer chip designer with an attitude?
BYTE ME
Star Wars fans beware. There's a business named "Sith Incorporated" in Jones County Georgia
Dear Valued Employee:
Year 2000 passed and we are happy to inform you that Y2K did not affect us.
Yet our records indicate that you have not used any vacation time over the past 100 year(s). As I'm sure you are aware, employees are granted 3 weeks of paid leave per year or pay in lieu of time off. One additional week is granted for every 5 years of service.
Please either take 9,400 days off work or notify our office and your next pay check will reflect payment of $8,277,432.22 which will include all pay and interest for the past 1,200 months.
Sincerely,
Automated Payroll Process
(contributed by Kathy)
What certain computer acronyms really stand for:
MICROSOFT - Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers
WWW - World Wide Wait
IBM - I Blame Microsoft
DOS - Defective Operating System
or Deviously Outrageous Sabotage
SCSI - System Can't See It
BASIC - Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
WINDOWS - Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
PENTIUM - Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics
Do you remember when?
A computer was something on TV,
from a science fiction show of note.
A window was something you hated to clean...
And ram was the cousin of a goat...
Meg was the name of a girlfriend,
and gig was a job for the nights,
now they all mean different things,
and that really mega bytes.
An application was for employment,
a program was a TV show,
a cursor used profanity,
a keyboard was a piano.
Memory was something that you lost with age,
a cd was a bank account,
and if you had a 3 1/2" floppy,
you hoped nobody found out.
Compress was something you did to the garbage,
not something you did to a file,
and if you unzipped anything in public,
you'd be in jail for a while.
Log on was adding wood to the fire,
hard drive was a long trip on the road,
a mouse pad was where a mouse lived,
and a backup happened to your commode.
Cut you did with a pocket knife,
Paste you did with glue,
a web was a spider's home,
and a virus was the flu.
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper,
and the memory in my head,
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash,
but when it happens they wish they were dead.
Contrinuted by Carolyn B. Lee
Author Unknown
TOILET PAPER AND Y2K
Y2K problem that could wipe us all out!!!!
Please take time out of your busy lives to check your toilet paper stockpile. Make sure it's Y2K compliant!!! Word has it, if it isn't, come Jan 1, 2000, it will roll back to 1900, then turn into Sears Catalogs!!!!!
YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!
Contributed by Kathy
Durring the filming of The Fly, what did the actor playing the scientist say after doing the teleporter scene?
"What a buzz."
On a recent episode of his radio program, Rush Limbaugh brought up one way stores could save their customers some money.
Since all commerce on the Internet is tax free, Limbaugh suggested that stores that haven't already done so to establish websites that customers could buy products from. Then put some Internet-capable computers in their stores so customers could buy what they wanted (online and still in the store) tax-free.
Now you just know somebody's going to try that.
TECHNOLOGY FOR COUNTRY FOLK...
LOG ON: Making a wood stove hot
LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood
MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the woodstove
DOWNLOAD: Gittin the farwood off the truck
MEGA HERTZ: When you're not keerfull gittin the farwood
FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from trying to tote too much farwood
RAM: That thar thing whut splits the farwood
HARD DRIVE: Gitting home in the winter time
WINDOWS: Whut to shut when it's cold outside
SCREEN: Whut to shut when it's black fly season
BYTE: Whut dem dang flys doo
CHIP: Munchies fer the TV
MICRO CHIP: Whut's in the bottom of the munchie bag
MODEM: Whatcha do to the hay fields
DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife
LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps
KEYBOARD: Whar you hang the dang truck keys
SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knifes
MOUSE: What eats the grain in the barn
MOUSE PAD: That's hippie talk fer the mouse home
MAINFRAME: Holds up the barn roof
What are Y2k analysts and programmers gonna do after Year 2000?
Become expert witnesses.
From Jokes4U
Someone once said if cars had developed at the same rate as computers, they would today cost less than $100 and get over a hundred miles to the gallon.
That might be true, but cars don't go out of control and crash every day or two.
'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the Net,
There were hacker's a surfing. Nerds? Yeah, you bet.
The e-mails were stacked by the modem with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.
The newbies were nestled all snug by their screens,
While visions of Java danced in their dreams.
My wife on the sofa and me with a snack,
We just settled down at my rig (it's a Mac).
When out in the Web there arose such a clatter,
I jumped to the site to see what was the matter.
To a new page my Mac flew like a flash,
Then made a slight gurgle. It started to crash!!
I gasped at the thought and started to grouse,
Then turned my head sideways and clicked on my mouse.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
My Mac jumped to a page that wasn't quite clear.
When the image resolved, so bright and so quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick!
More rapid than mainframes, more graphics they came,
Then Nick glanced toward my screen, my Mac called them by name;
"Now Compaq! Now Acer!", my speaker did reel;
"On Apple! On Gateway!" Santa started to squeal!
"Jump onto the circuits! And into the chip!
Now speed it up! Speed it up! Make this thing hip!"
The screen gave a flicker, he was into my "Ram",
Then into my room rose a full hologram!
He was dressed in all red, from his head to his shoes,
Which were black (the white socks he really should lose).
He pulled out some discs he had stored in his backpack.
Santa looked like a dude who was rarin' to hack!
His eyes, how they twinkled! His glasses, how techno!
This ain't the same Santa that I used to know!
With a wink of his eye and a nod of his head,
Santa soon let me know I had nothing to dread.
He spoke not a word, gave my Mac a quick poke,
And accessed my C drive with only a stroke.
He defragged my hard drive, and added a "Dimm",
Then threw in some cool games, just on a whim!
He worked without noise, his fingers they flew!
He distorted some pictures with Kai's Power Goo!
He updated Office, Excel and Quicken,
Then added a screensaver with a red clucking chicken!
My eyes widened a bit, my mouth stood agape,
As he added the latest version of Netscape.
The drive gave a whirl, as if it were pleased,
St. Nick coyly smiled, the computer appeased.
Then placing his finger on the bridge of his nose,
Santa turned into nothing but ones and zeros!
He flew back into my screen and through my uplink,
Back into the net with barely a blink.
But I heard his sweet voice as he flew from my sight,
"Happy surfing to all, and to all a good byte!"
Author Unknown
Mother: "Little Johnny's in his room sobbing, and on Christmas of all days. What happened?"
Father: "Oh I dunno. I gave him the present he wanted."
Mother: "What?"
Father: "He said he wanted an apple for christmas, so I gave him a whole bushel.
A man was at a science-fiction custome dressed as some alien with claws when he realized he was late for his Santa Claus job. He quickly changed out of it, rushed to the department store, slapped the Santa Claus suit on, and took his place at the chair. It was then he realized he had forgotten to take the gloves off from the alien costume.
Someone noticed and remarked, "Look out for Santa's claws."
Worries throughout the ages:
Today - 1999: Will Y2K make the lights go out at Midnight New Years Eve?
Last Decade - 1989: Will the Russians nuke us?
Last Century - 1899: I'm working 72 hours a week. Don't have time to worry.
Last Millenium - 999: Will we grow enough food to eat this year?
Deep in the Middle Ages, in December 999, a religious scholar goes to the countryside to get opinions on the "Millenium Question":
Scholar: Do you think that the Millenium, the Year 1000 A.D., might mean Judgement day for mankind?
Peasant: What's a thousand? What's A.D.? Same year as any other, farming every day, a few people born, a few die. Same as last year and the year before that and so on. Why count the years?
"Hey Fred, you better get ready for Y2K."
"Don't need to. I always keep a generator and stash of bottled water, canned food, and gas in case an ice storm wrecks the power lines."
"What about your computer?"
"I have a Mac. Y2K compliant since they were first built."
"Man, is there anything you have to do at all?"
"Yeah, listen to you complain and moan about fighting the crowds in the store and paying through the nose to update your PC."
Sometime around 1990 ....
"Man, I finally inherit the bomb shelter business from my dear departed Dad, and now here comes peace with the Russians. I'm ruined!"
"Oh cheer up. I'm sure something else will come up."
"What else could a bomb shelter be good for? (moan) Say, what's that you're reading?"
"A science magazine. Some guy in the commentary says that when the year 2000 arrives, computers are going to think it's 1900 and go bonkers. He says power plants and things around the country are going to go out, and the country 'll fall apart in chaos."
"My prayers are answered."
"It's the End of the World As We Know It"
90's rock song popular in the last days of 1999
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