Jokes from September, October 1999

Where no man has gone before Found scribbled on the wall in one of the Starship Enterprise's womens' restrooms.

"Very funny Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."

Take a byte out of computer crime

Computer Rookie: "I can't get this program to work."

Computer Nut: "No wonder. The box it came in says it needs Windows."

Computer Rookie: "So?"

Computer Nut: "Your computer doesn't have Windows."

Computer Rookie: "What are you talking about? (taps on screen) There's a window right there."

"He's dead, Jim."

"You grab his tricorder, I'll get his wallet."

Employee: I think this computer is a little outdated.

Boss: Nonsense. Why do you say that?

Employee: The vacuum tubes inside.

American Programer: Aren't you worried about the Year 2000 problem?

Isreali Programer: Not really. It's 5760 in the Jewish calendar.

Customer: How much for this computer?

Salesman: Only one hundred dollars

Customer: Wow, that's cheap! I'll take one!

Salesman: All right, that will be thirty-six hundred dollars.

Customer: Wait a minute! I thought you said this computer cost only a hundred bucks?

Salesman: True, but the monitor costs nine hundred, the keyboard costs three hundred, the modem costs five hundred ...

Tech: Why are you spooning chicken soup into the computer's disk drive?

Blonde: It has a virus.

Teacher: The calculator is considered to have been invented by Blaise Pascal in 1642.

Student: Cool. But, didn't he have to wait for the batteries?

The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US railroads. Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used. Why did 'they' use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing. Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts. So who built those old rutted roads? The first long distance roads in Europe (and England) were built by Imperial Rome for their legions. The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts? Roman war chariots first made the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels and wagons. Since the chariots were made for, or by Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Thus, we have the answer to the original question. The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches derives from the original specification for an Imperial Roman war chariot. Specifications and bureaucracies live forever. So, the next time you are handed a specification and wonder which horse's rear came up with it, you may be exactly right. Because the Imperial Roman war chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war-horses.

And now, the twist to the story... There's an interesting extension to the story about railroad gauges and horses' behinds. When we see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. Thiokol makes the SRBs at their factory at Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs might have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory had to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track is about as wide as two horses behinds.

So, the major design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined by the width of a Horse's a--!

(from Jokes4U Humor Ezine)

Mr. Spock wears vulcanized rubbers. Graffiti from Starship USS Enterprise's mens' restroom

Star Wars Crime Boss: "Guards, take that Jedi and put out his eye!"

Jedi: "Great, now I'll be known as Jed."

Who was Jabba the Hutt's Sicilian cousin?

Pizza Hutt

Line from Star Wars parody Spaceballs "You better pay up ... or next time, Pizza sends out for you!

Why did the anteater break into the software lab?

He heard some of the programs had a lot of bugs in them.

For Star Trek fans:

We are the Borg! Resistance is futile!

Starship Captain: "May I remind you this ship is armed with a lot more than just swords and pikes."

We said FUTILE! Not feudal!

Dealer: What kind of computer are you looking for, Sir?"

Vampire: I vant vun vith plenty of megabyte .

Internet Pro: "Uh, 'monster.com' is a job search, not a file on creatures."

Vampire: "Darn. At least I got this cool job at a blood bank."

Police Inspector: So you found out who was selling that kidney on 'E-Bay'?

Policeman: Yes sir, it was Dr. Frankenstein. He had one he didn't need.